No links...

Just some reflection.

I can't but help thinking these days... I'm 26 years old.

Please note:
This was something I wrote a couple days ago, just venting. I had no intention of posting it, but I've changed my mind and now I have. It's fairly personal and will hold very little interest to the average person that doesn't know me. Consider yourself warned.

And I don't seem to be getting any younger. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain that I keep getting older as time goes on. It's amazing to me that in less than four years I'll be 30. I don't mean amazing in it's positive, or generally good, connotation. I mean it in the, "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" kinda way.

It seems like yesterday, and a lifetime ago, that I had it all figured out. These things seem to come in waves throughout the tapestry that is my life, these feelings like I know what's going on. Of course, on reflection, I didn't ever have a clue. I'm sure now, as I sit here thinking about the past, the present, and the future, that I still don't.

26 years and I wonder what I have to show for it. I mean, I'm not rich, I'm not famous, and I sure as hell haven't left my mark on the world. Does that mean that I won't? I hope not. There are a lot of people on this spinning rock we call home, and very few of them ever get to be more than just the sum total of the whole. It scares me to think that I may never get a chance to leave a real legacy behind.

It's not that I want to change the world... I just want to leave behind something to be remembered by. And if I don't, will I die filled with regret?

Fear. That's it exactly. Fear of the unkown. Fear of death, fear of living. What's next? That's all I can think about sometimes. I can't focus, I can't get my mind straight, being almost sick sometimes with worry. No, that's not quite right. I'm willing to accept what's coming, and that I can't change what's been. But, I seem to be stuck on either side, unable to come to grips with what is.

I hate the fact that I'm so socially inept. I mean, really, I can do it, but I feel so out of place sometimes. Like I'm completely lost in a sea of people who at least have some idea of what they're doing. I don't understand. I go out, I do things, and yet somehow I always feel like I'm comepletely seperate from everyone. It's strange when you're with a group of people and you don't feel like you're part of the group at all.

Love. I thought for sure that I had it all figured out. Then I was wrong, and I've been failing at it ever since. The biggest problem is that I can't seem to understand what's happening. I feel like I miss the cues that were probably so obvious, and I see things that just aren't there. And, I'm scared that everything is just an elaborate game, as though someone is just going through the motions.

Will I ever be able to trust again?

I get the fact that I'm a jackass. I really do, but I can't seem to help myself. I always worry about what people are thinking about me.

Anxiety. It is killing me.

What's really strange is that I really haven't felt like this until about a year ago. I can't seem to get my shit together.