Something a little different....

I'm exhausted, having just gotten home. Now that I'm not out doing, again, I'm forced to think and feel things a little more acutely. This is a terrible scenario, one I've been through all this last week.

(As a warning, this post is of a very personal nature. Bear that in mind if you choose to read any farther. This is not the sort of information one normally puts out for the world to read, but writing is just about the only way I can express myself, and I feel like this is the best form of therapy for me. So, feel free to read on, if you so choose, but understand the sensitive nature of what I'm about to write.)

Here's the situation, earlier this week, my girlfriend left. Now, I can't say we haven't been having trouble, but they were, in my opinion, problems that we could have weathered, things that were not worth throwing away a year and a half relationship over. It seems I was in the minority in this opinion. To me, though, the pain is very deeply seated in the fact that she didn't talk to me about leaving, she just came when I wasn't hear and took her stuff, and then was gone. I haven't spoken to her (except the occasional text, which offers basically no substance) since Monday night, and at no point has she told me what she was feeling, or even that she was leaving.

And I've been left feeling numb. I won't say that I'm perfect, as a matter of fact, I would hazard that I'm far from it, but I've already tried pretty hard to make the people around me happy. This seemed to work out for us well as her concern has always been her own happiness as well. I've been well aware of the fact that she was somewhat immature, inexperienced in life, and rather self-centered, but it still seems that I completely misjudged her and her motives.

You might think, with such negative statements, and believe me, I'm restraining myself to some degree, that I'm just trying to take a shot at her, trying to make her out to be the villain in this. I'm truly not. Again, I will admit that there were issues there, and I made plenty of mistakes along the line. Even trying hard as I did to make sure that she was always happy, I made my share of errors, crossed the line more than once. Obviously, I can only see things from my own perspective, but I feel like I was more or less a good boyfriend overall.

I could launch into a tirade of negatives against her, things that would reinforce my previous statements, but it doesn't do any good. I can't change things, which is of course part of what makes things so hard. She made her decision, and I have no control over the situation, and after spending so long trying to keep the peace, and make sure things were going right, I'm left alone, helpless to do anything about it.

And still there's a numbness. It isn't that it doesn't feel real, it does. I know it's over, I know there's no going back, and even if there was, I wouldn't want to at this point. It's better this way, and in hindsight, I feel like this probably should have happened before now. I think the numbness comes from a lack of real closure. I never really got to say goodbye, we never talked things out, she never said she was leaving, I never told her I wanted her to go. She just left, ran away, and hid behind the ease of text messages.

I know that it isn't the end of the world. Some of my pain actually comes from how easily I've accepted that fact, the fact that this doesn't hurt as much as it seems like it should after being with someone for so long. It doesn't mean, though, that sitting in this bed now, alone, without her next to me. Having not talked to her, or touched her, hugged and kissed her, I feel somewhat incomplete, like a piece of my life is missing.

I will say that, for all the aggravation that I had when I was with her, for the problems we'd had, I was happy with her. It had been the reason I pursued a relationship with her in the first place, because of people in my life when I met her, for some reason, just being around her made me happier than I'd been for at least some time before.

I had imagined, a mistake to be sure, but I had imagined that the things I saw as flaws in her, things that seemed to come from never having really been on her own, having lived a somewhat sheltered life, were things that would change as time went on. That she would naturally grow out of some of her immaturity and naivety. Admittedly, this isn't the first time I've made this same mistake, and it's basic relationship 101: never expect change, and more importantly, never try to force change.

Of course, I was blinded by love, and general sense of happiness. Little things seemed better when she was around, like going to the laundromat.

Some of the numbness, though, I think also comes from the buffer I had built around my heart. I've been hurt before, and then somewhere inside I recognized the fact that there were problems there that might never change, and I've adopted such a 'whatever will be, will be' attitude over the years, that part of me really saw this coming a long time ago.

And still there's now. A part of me wishes I could talk to her, hold her, be with her. That part isn't very big, and it's not very vocal. Part of me is glad that she's gone, that if this relationship wasn't making her happy, it's good she left, even I don't like the way it happened. That part isn't all that large either. At least it doesn't seem to be, and so there's a middle part, something between the two that I don't understand. I've never felt like this after losing someone important from my life. In most situations, I'm either glad it's over, or I mourn the loss, but now I feel something in between.

So, with this odd feeling, this sense of numbness lined with relief and regret, I need to move on. Moving on is something I'm just not sure how to do right now, because of that strange feeling of emptiness, I don't know if the right decision is to try and work my way back into the dating pool, or if really what I need to do try to at least feel something and deal with the emotions that are there, or should be there.

The other problem is that I've clearly not been able to form and keep a stable relationship. It seems, in retrospect, that the women I've chosen to be with were, for the most part, either insane, or I just wasn't happy with them. Accepting the fact that I've got flaws, I still don't feel like I've been the bad guy in these relationships, which leaves me with the conclusion that women are crazy. I've known plenty of women that agree on this point, even if most aren't will to admit it. The problem is that I don't want to just write them off. More and more it seems impossible that I'll find that perfect someone, or least if I do, that the perfect someone I find won't already be taken.

There are a lot of women out there, so it seems the perfect person for me must be out there as well. But it's a matter of finding them. I guess I just need to keep looking.

It's all so very confusing.

Right now, though, I think it's probably best if I stop trying to figure out my emotions, and just try and get some sleep. Perhaps I'll come back to this soon...