words, nothing more, but so much less.

i sit here, alone. this is nothing new. i want something more, and i can't for the life of me understand that that is that is to say, i know exactly what i want, and i know that i can't have much of it. i want happiness, stability, money, love, friendship, sex, booze, talent and skill, clarity, focus, challenge, simplicity, safety and that feeling that comes from it. i want someone who understands me. i want to understand myself, and i want to feel things again. i'd like the numbness to stop. i want to stop feeling, i want to forego the negative emotions that well up inside me. i wish i could be honest with you. i don't think it's going to work. i've tried, and i'm still trying because i love you. you are wonderful, and everything we've had was good, but in the end, now, i mean, i don't see this happening, not the way you want it to anyway. i want to try, i am trying. but there's a rift i can't get over. it seems like forever ago, but the life lost... it leaves me empty, like something missing. it was the right thing to do, but the fact that you didn't tell me hurts most of all. you couldn't even let me help decide, althoguh now, i still don't know how i'd react. it's been both ways too, you've disappeared just as i have, gave up. maybe we were right the first two (or three times?). but i want it to work, because i love you. i truly do. i'm not going to break this apart. sorry, but if i'm talking to you, you'll have to find where you begin. i hope you never read this, none of you. i can't beleive you took everything. we had something, and really, it might have worked out, but, and i mean this in the nicest way, you are fucking insane. i hope one day you come to terms with that. apart from the obsessive compulsive disorder, and the unhealthy fixation on your mother's death (and i know you lost her too early, but you're a grown woman, how can you possibly not live your own life after so long?), and the incredible emotional strain you want to have so badly, you are just honestly deluded. it's sad to me, because, had i seen it sooner i could have saved us both a lot of hardship. i thank you so much for everything you did for me (and too me..), but did you have to take everything that wasn't nailed down? my jacket for fuck's sake. i hope you're happier now, but i know you aren't, because it's not your nature. thanks for the lessons in life. you know, the worst hurt and the greatest happiness i got from you. the fact that you slept with my best friend doesn't hurt near as much as the fact that our entire relationship was built on your lies. i'm glad we got to make our mistakes with each other, i learned a lot. and what we had, what we got, what was good, i'd never trade it for the world. i see you now, and somehow, i can't see how i didn't see it before. occasionally, you'll say something, do something, and it will trigger a memory that i hold dear. i tried, hard. i'm sorry i never gave you what you wanted, and it seemed like we were almost there. i wish you the best. i think so much about you, and you don't show me any flicker of hope, but hope i do. inside i know that i should just give up, and let things go their course, but for some reason, i can't let it go. do i want something more than you do? you won't tell me, you won't give me a single word on the subject, except that you don't really want to talk about it. i'm fine with everything, but in every way i'm not. and why, why does the heart do this, infatuation that shouldn't be? maybe it should. that's problem, and the best part of these feelings, the unknown, and maybe it's better that way. i love to see you, and when you smile. i love that i can't read a single thing in you... it's like trying to learn a new language without the benefit of a bi-lingual instructor. that probably doesn't make a bit of sense to you. there's something i've been wanting to say to you for a long time. you are a fucking bitch and honestly, you rate on a list, a short list of people that i wish would die. i can't believe the way that you yanked me around for so long. it's my fault, i kept falling into the same traps. you lied so well, and looked so good, and when you wanted to, you made me feel like so much more. i loved you, truly. but, the lies? honestly, did you really think people would believe that i'd ever hit you? even your friends that didn't know me could see that i was in love with you. you left me cresftallen and broken, and i wish only the worst to you. you are heartless and soulless. remember the last time we slept together... the words you said to me as i told you the get out... those words, i wonder if they were true, but if they were, i wish that feeling of hurt and pain was seared into your very heart. you realized to late what you had. i remember seeing you the first time, you were so incredible, standing the way you did, trying so hard not to look like you enjoyed the attention you were getting. how could you not? who doesn't like being the most beautiful person in the place. the music made it so hard to hear you when you asked me to dance... but, the fact that i actually got up with you... that was amazing. almost as amazing as a woman actually coming to me and asking me to dance. that night was amazing, when you asked me to stay... i can't understand how i let you just leave, it's one of those mistakes that i dwell on, even now. it was the best two and a half weeks that i've spent with anyone. i know i couldn't just follow you to washington, but, oh, how i wish i could have. it's probably best we decided not to try and talk again, but you don't know often i think about trying to find your new phone number. but a promise is not made to be broken. there's nothing left to say about how i feel. you are incredible, and i wish i could know you better. but, it doesn't seem like it's meant to happen that way. i'm so sorry i didn't keep talking, i was scared... i'm still scared. it seems like i'm always scared. my feelings seem to be tangled up in fear. it's bitter and painful. if i could, i would love to tell so many people how i feel, how i felt, how much i hurt over the choices i've made. you are a kindred spirit, and i wish we had more time for each other. you amaze me all the time. good luck with the new baby, a father for the second time round... and a girl to boot, one of each, eh? don't be afraid, you'll do just fine... i'm sorry i lead you on, we never should have slept together. ever. i feel ashamed, i gave into weakness. a crush that i'd had for years and years. there's just no way we could work. please forgive me. everyone forgive me. i can't do this anymore, sleep beckons... loudly.