the power of words

there's something to be said about the power of words. they can be powerful, even when used sparingly. a few words can literally topple the largest empire, and shatter the most powerful people. words the destroy even the most tightly wound silence. the problem with words is that they can be fickle and hard to find. for me, finding them lately has been the problem, and my biggest concern as been choosing the right ones. sometimes, the most powerful words are the ones that have gone unsaid.

maybe i'm wrong. i find that, as hard as it is to admit, i'm wrong more often than i'd like to be. i hate feeling so certain about something, and then finding out, even as i take the path i'd thought must be right, that my feelings were wrong. of late, i have been thinking a lot, which isn't unusual, i think way more than my brain seems able to keep up with. i've thought about some of those words that plague all of us. love, life, death, future, spirit.... i've been thinking so much that i have turned to some of my more mind numbing hobbies, in an effort, i think, to try and distract myself.

i wonder if my heartache will ever end, or at least dull. it's an ache that's always there. but unlike some that seem to fade, obscure, and take a place in the background of everything else, this pain seems to stab sharply. i don't know what to do about anything or anyone. i don't understand why i can't get control of everything inside me... maybe force it into submission.

i seem to latch onto things too easily lately, which is in contrast to my usual method of operation as an outside observer. that doesn't mean that i open myself up. it just means that i want to. i also seem to be latching on the things that aren't there. or perhaps something is there, and my blinders aren't letting me see everything. or maybe i'm just reading too much into things. i'm amazed i tried, such an out of character thing for me to do. likely it will be the last time for a while....

i have been thinking quite a bit about death lately. i've always thought about it, but for some reason, i have an extremely hollow feeling inside me. i have always been an 'athiest' by nature. i find my need for logical explanations far exceeds my need for spiritual wants. however, because of this, i'm feel confident that when i die, it's over. that's the end. thus, i don't want to die. now, that doesn't mean that i am open to the possibility of an afterlife of some time, but i can't explain it, see it, touch it, feel it... now, i'm hoping that if i live my life the best i can, and, if there is in fact some sort of 'heaven', i might make it there. but, that is the 'religious' need inside of me hoping... i don't discount the idea of a higher power... i just hope that i'm 'pleasing' in their sight, if they're actually watching.

music has become a big part of my life again. i, for some reason, turned my back on music for a while there, and it was causing no end of suffering. that doesn't mean that i didn't listen to any music, just that it wasn't a part of me like it had been. the problem is that there is so much music that reminds me of so much pain, that it's hard to listen to a song without feeling an overwhelming wash of emotion. it strikes me how often that even a new song, something i've never heard, will remind me of something from years ago. it's strange. but no matter, without music, that pain... those thoughts, all of it was still there. just without music.

what if i never find love again? people keep telling me that it's like looking for anything, as soon as you stop looking, it usually finds you. but, is that the best way? i feel like i have a lot to offer. i might be a jackass sometimes, but i think that i'm a very caring, sweet, loving person, who, for all intents and purposes, wants only the best for the woman in my life, and would do whatever i needed to make sure she got it. however, that doesn't seem like it's enough to a lot of women. i know it seems like i'm stereotyping, but it's true that looks and money are a big deal, even if it's not explicit, and honestly, i don't have a lot of either to really make myself an appealing prospect. the fact that i want to buy you everything, isn't the same as being able to buy you everything. she would get everything of me, however, doesn't that count for something?

i want more than i'm alotted, perhaps.

i've been thinking about a lot of things from my past. things that happened, but most notably, things that didn't. i have actually relived so many things that i've experienced, and how my world might have been... it's amazing some of the tangents that i've gone on. all of this happens when i should probably be sleeping... i wish i could write some of it down... but that would take up a good chunk of my life.

i'm so very tired, and don't think i can write much more than i have.. i give up.