Today, I'll be posting from a conversation from November 10th, 2008. This is near the end of the conversation:
10:13 AM me: Eat my penis.
10:14 AM Michael: I will not.
10:17 AM I think I suffer from a type of synesthesia. Not synesthesia really by definition, but I find myself confusing certain numbers with certain letters a lot.
me: Are you being serious?
Michael: Like 2 = D in my brain for some reason.
And 9 = F.
me: Interesting.
10:18 AM Michael: More irritating than anything. Especially when trying to remember a hex code for more than B seconds.
10:19 AM me: rim shot.
Michael: I know. I liked that last part. Still true, though.
me: Indeed
well then. With that said...
I think I'm gonna run to the bank before I have to go get my oil changed.
10:20 AM Michael: Wuss.
me: I wonder if they have the wifis.... I have to sit in the waiting room because there's no place to go... so I'm toting the 'top
gonna work on the website a majigger.
Michael: Doubtful, but you could always rock the offline shit. Make up some web templates or what has you.
10:21 AM me: Indeed.
That's my plan...
I'm just keeping some hope alive for WiFis
they have it at the strangest places now.
Midas has it now, I think.
Michael: Weird.
me: Ineed.
deed
Michael: eed
me: fluffel
Michael: ed
d
10:22 AM me: Alright, my appointments at IR:EF, so I
should get running...
10:24 AM Michael: Don't make fun of my disability, ass.
Talk to you later.
me: Don't have a funny disability...
later.
While that's quite amusing, here also a median part of a conversation from December 11th, 2008:
10:20 AM
Michael: I've coughed up 8oz of snot today and spit out 6oz.
10:21 AM me: How are you measuring this?
Michael: In units.
10:22 AM me: With what method are you taking your measurements?
10:23 AM Michael: With a unitogramer.
me: That's not a word, or a thing that exists.
Michael: until I invented both.
10:24 AM me: You have not.
The word, perhaps, the item itself has not been invented.
You might say it was conceptualized, perhaps.
10:25 AM Michael: You don't know the things that I do.
me: I have a fair idea based on the evidence.
10:26 AM And historical data.
And of course here we have this treasure from January 8, 2009 :
9:33 AM me: Is Halo really that different than Opium and Absinthe?
I mean, really?
Michael: I would not equate Halo's multiplayer to an extremely potent, smokeable pain-killer, no.
9:34 AM me: Really?
I would.
9:35 AM I mean, both are methods of escape and involve transporting yourself into a new realm of reality...
Michael: Yeah, but you're disturbed.
9:36 AM A tiny, white, plastic baby Jesus appeared on my desk today.
9:37 AM me: Well, that's interesting.
9:38 AM Was there a note attached, or... did it talk to you at all?
Michael: Nope. It's about an inch and a half long. Unpainted, white plastic. No moving parts. No note attached.
me: It'd be great if that was actually how Mexicans fired you. *It is worth noting that Michael works for a company run almost entirely by Mexicans, so, this statement is less random, and racist, than it might seem on the surface.
Michael: I agree.
9:39 AM To be honest, I'm not sure it's Jesus. It's definitely a naked boy holding some type of cup or chalice, though.
me: Please sir, you must send me an image of this.
9:40 AM I need a visual reference.
Also, try to place it around where it was found...
But try not to touch it too much, forensic analysis might be necessary. (Within a few minutes, I received these images from Mike in an email entitled "Mini God" with body text of "For your consideration."
| 10 minutes |
9:51 AM me: Holy hell that thing is tiny.
What the shit?
I don't know about it being Jesus, though...
9:52 AM It's creepy for damn sure.
Michael: It could be an altar boy or something. Like the kid who hands out the wine during communion, but the nudity confounds me.
9:53 AM me: Everything about it is confounding.
Michael: Like why isn't it wearing a hat?
9:54 AM me: Not the first question that comes to mind, no...
9:55 AM Perhaps... what the holy fuck is a naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy doing on your desk this morning?
9:56 AM Michael: A different point of view, sure.
I look at it as..."What luck! A naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy is on my desk this morning!"
9:57 AM me: Where does luck enter into the equation?
9:58 AM Michael: Nobody else had a naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy on their desks this morning.
me: Still not following the logic?
Michael: Those are 1:20 odds, sir.
Roughly.
me: 1:20?
Can you show your work on this one, sir?
9:59 AM Michael: I am the one. There are maybe a total of 20 desks in this office.
I haven't counted, but it's a rough estimate.
10:00 AM me: I don't think you're doing it right.
Michael: Ok...you obviously use a different system of math than I do, but I'll let it go.
me: That's based on the idea that there's a 100% chance that one desk will contain a naked plastic boy in the morning.
Michael: Correct.
10:01 AM Of all the people in the office (20), I was the (1) to receive the naked plastic toy.
10:02 AM The odds of it happening on any given morning to anyone are incalculable.
me: Right, however, the odds are significantly less when you consider that of all the days you've come into the work, this is the first time there's been such an item, and likely first time at all in the office.
Michael: Right.
But you could expand that even further, if you wish, to include all offices and all days throughout history.
Or at least throughout my history of being in an office.
not necessarily this one.
10:03 AM me: Right, but still... I think calling this happening a 1:20 event is a little silly.
Sure, if there was a 100% chance that there was going to be said item on a desk today, then it would be 1:20 give or take...
but you can't say for certainty that there was a 100% chance of it happening in the first place.
Michael: If you accept the reality that a plastic toy was going to mysteriously appear in this office on this day on one person's desk, my math is dead on.
10:04 AM me: Making your odds much greater.
Michael: Well, you can say that with a 100% certainty because it did in fact happen.
me: It's also not dead on until you've counted the desks.
Michael: Hypothetically, I mean.
me: You cannot say for 100%, how would you account for it being there.. what if it fell from a cleaning lady's pocket?
what are the odds of that happening in the first place?
10:05 AM and it landing on a desk?
Michael: Because it, in fact, did happen.
It's history at this point.
I'm not judging the odds of it happening tomorrow.
Although, I can make sure they're 1:1.
me: That's idiotic.
10:06 AM That's like saying someone who won the lottery had a 100% chance of doing so because of the numbers chosen.
Michael: No.
me: Yes.
Michael: My point is that you have to factor in it happening today to make calculating odds even possible.
me: It's history.
It happened.
Michael: You can take odds on a sporting event because it's scheduled.
10:07 AM You can't take odds on the San Diego Vaginas beating the West Hartford Cocksuckers in a world series because it's not a scheduled event.
10:08 AM me: That's not right at all...
you can do that, however, the odds are very very slim
Michael: They're zero because those teams don't exist. But they could in the future, but there's no way to calculate odds on that.
10:09 AM Not even broadly.
me: You'd need to factor the possibility that two teams would be formed, and those names chosen, and they being picked by the MLB and then winning their respective divisions.
It's less likely than everyone in the united states winning the lottery, even without buying tickets, but it's still a possible outcome.
10:10 AM Michael: No, because the lottery is a scheduled event. It happens. It's known to happen. It will happen in the future.
That's my point.
The event will happen.
My body is rejecting more eggs. I'll be back eventually.
10:11 AM me: Sure.
But you're wrong about calculating odds for unscheduled and unlikely events.
Jut because there are a lot of factors involved, and because the odds are long, it doesn't mean it's impossible.
10:12 AM This event is a perfect example, just because the baby appeared there doesn't mean that it would have appeared there no matter what, there have to be tons of factors that go into that.
10:15 AM Unless whoever left it there meant to put it your desk, then your 1:20 goes all to hell, it would be 1:1.
| 6 minutes |
10:21 AM Michael: I made poop.
10:22 AM me: Hooray!
10:23 AM This calls for a celebration.
What size Lincoln bear and hat do you wear?
10:24 AM Michael: I don't know what those things are...
10:25 AM me: You know, a stovepipe hat and one of them chin beard things...
Michael: Oh. you wrote bear.
Not beard.
a 2.
10:26 AM me: Gotcha.
We'll have a hell of a time!
10:28 AM Oh, and we'll need some sort of sexy lingerie.
Michael: I'm starting to feel less comfortable with this plan.
10:29 AM me: Really?
Seems awesome.
10:33 AM We're also going to need some mineral oil.
10:34 AM And a box of q-tips
Michael: I'm back on board.
10:35 AM me: Hooray again!
So, what silly things do they have you working on today?
10:36 AM Michael: Building a rotating Flash banner for the cover page of e-counters.
Arnold asked me to do it starting yesterday and said. "So, how long on this one, 3 hours?"
I said, "To design it, about 4 hours."
10:37 AM "You have to design it?"
"Um.....yes."
me: lol
10:38 AM As if you just have to click a few keys and BLAM! Bannered!
Michael: Right.
10:39 AM I think most of these idiot programmers think that you're supposed to design shit within dreamweaver or flash. I use the entire fucking suite to design things, then put it all together in flash or dreamweaver.
10:40 AM me: Right.
| 5 minutes |
10:45 AM me: Ever eaten Shark Penis?
10:46 AM Michael: Dead or living?
me: Either.
10:48 AM Michael: No.
10:49 AM me: I enjoy doing that too...
When someone asks me a question, and the answer is no, having them specify something, even though it doesn't change the result.
Did you put such and such away?
When, yesterday, or today?
Either.
No.
10:50 AM Michael: Well, it seems prudent to make sure that you understand exactly what's being asked, regardless if changing the details of the question will affect your answer.
me: Not really, but we'll run with it.
10:51 AM Michael: Yes-huh. There could be other factors.
10:52 AM For instance, if you meant dead shark penis, then that's a fairly unthreatening question.
If you meant living, you might have something nefarious planned.
me: And if I'd said San Jose Shark Penis?
10:53 AM Michael: Well, I'd just assume you meant living in that case. And the answer would have been, "I don't think so."
me: Is there really a chance that you might have, but your
10:54 AM you're not recalling it?
Michael: I mean that I don't ask for ID on every penis I eat.
me: How many penii have you eaten, sir?
Michael: And even if I did, I don't know the entire SJ Shark roster by heart.
None.
10:55 AM me: So, you have eaten no penises ever?
10:57 AM Michael: None that I'm aware of.
me: Because then your answer should have been no, and you should not have mentioned whether you id the people whose penises you eat....
Michael: All my statements were true.
10:58 AM "I don't think so" might not be the most appropriate answer, but it is true and valid.
me: In this case, it really would be better just to answer in the negative outright.
10:59 AM Michael: Perhaps.
But this conversation, or at least this portion of it, would have ended long ago. And mpr is kinda boring at the moment.
11:00 AM me: Ahh, well, there'd be other conversations to be had, I'm sure.
11:03 AM Michael: I wasn't prepared to take that chance.
me: I see.
Always playing the safe bet.
11:04 AM So, there's one thing I hate about Fallout 3... which is that I can't kill kids.
11:05 AM Michael: Hm.
See? That was my fear.
me: I mean, you could be a baddest dude in the world, but you cannot take down a child...
unless, in the future, children have magic forcefields.
And, what was your fear exactly.
11:07 AM Michael: That ending the previous thread of conversation would lead to you beginning a new one wherein you divulge some information about yourself that might horrify me and give me cause to keep you separate from my child.
11:08 AM me: Hmm, that seems like a rash decision.
I'm commenting on a gameplay mechanic in Fallout 3... not real world issues.
Besides, I know I could kill kids in the real world.
11:10 AM Michael: Perhaps rash, but when a perceived possibility is the early death of my only child, one that I've grown fond of, I'll again take the safe bet.
11:11 AM me: Following that logic, you two should be a in a sealed bunker, and she should be in a bubble of some type.
There are tons of threats to your child's life on a daily basis.
Michael: How'd you find out about my bubble-bunker?
11:13 AM me: Informed guessing.
Michael: Right, but again. I'm judging probabilities. And when someone expresses an interest in causing the death of children, I perceive that threat as a higher probability than say, ape mauling.
I think it's funny when people on a Live Chat sign off as if it were an e-mail.
11:14 AM me: I have no interest in killing children, real or otherwise, I'm just irritated that this game doesn't allow it.
Michael: "Casey Green: Thanks,
Casey Green: Casey Green
Casey Green: Lawrence KS"
Casey Green: Casey Green
Casey Green: Lawrence KS"
11:16 AM Also, you didn't specify whether the children you weren't allowed to kill were in the game or in reality. Only that the game prevented you from doing so.
me: This is true, but more of a failing on your part to accurately infer an old friend's intentions
11:17 AM Michael: I do like the idea of Fallout 3 forbidding or preventing you from killing real, corporeal children.
11:18 AM me: Yeah, I suppose.
But what if those children are dicks that deserve death?
11:19 AM Like that kid from that movie that one time...
11:20 AM Michael: I didn't mean that I like that it does it. I meant that I like the idea of a video game somehow preventing you from doing something in reality. Also, those kids are dicks and do deserve whatever gruesome fate that have coming to them.
| 5 minutes |
11:25 AM me: Well, I'll be back...
| 43 minutes |
12:08 PM me: So, I was thinking about murdering children in the shower...
Michael: As a good serial killer would.
12:09 PM me: and I was realizing that I've still only got a single digit record.
I'm thinking I really need to step things up.
You know what I mean?
Michael: Absolutely.
Let the carnage rain down.
12:11 PM me: So, it then occurred to me that I'll have a whole slew of little ones very nearby this weekend.
It's like providence.
12:12 PM Of course, that goes against all the ways that I've strived for years to not be caught.
Half of them haven't even been reported missing I'm so good.
Michael: Half of one?
12:13 PM That's disconcerting.
Oh, wait. Single digit.
Not single victim.
me: Right.
Thatis a funny imagine though...
12:14 PM image
half a corpse.
no cops.
everything is fine.
12:15 PM Still, to keep from having half of them reported missing, can you imagine building a fake school and hiring a huge staff to convince parents that the kids are still there, through letters and other things.
Then, after doing this for a while, torch the school and 'oops accident'.
Michael: I can, but will not.
12:16 PM me: why not.
this could work..
let's do it.
oh.
the hardest part is cutting out the damn images.
12:19 PM And it was all that difficult at all, which is what I'm trying to illustrate here.
Michael: um......okay?
12:20 PM You took kind of a hard right there.
me: What, stepping away from child serial killer to two|TWENTYTHREE?
Michael: yes
12:21 PM me: Well, that was being silly, this is not... as much .
I apologize, I didn't realize that thread of conversation had you so riveted and intrigued.
We can go back, if you'd like.
12:22 PM Michael: Have you been recently checked for symptoms of mental retardation?
me: No. Why would you ask?
Michael: Just a routine check.
12:23 PM
me: Ahh, I see.
12:25 PM Alright, well, I'm off to work.
Michael: Enjoy
me: I will not.
I will however speak with you I deem it convenient.
12:26 PM Michael: Enjoy
me: No, you enjoy!
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