why i suck at life...

i am a coward.

i am terrible at expressing myself emotionally to other human beings, unless those emotions are negative.

i am terrible at interacting one on one with other people, and generally find that when i try, i stumble quite a bit.

i can't say thank you most of the time, or if i do, it sounds forced and fake, even when i am absolutely grateful. this is a trait i think i developed from my father, although, i will admit that there have been several other figures in my life that didn't seem capable of it.

i have trouble exchanging the words like and love. i like you, i love you, it takes a long time for me to get that one right, and usually it's too late. i used to be far better at this, but, over the last few years, i think i've become frightened of the idea, or at least of getting hurt again. it hasn't helped, i still get hurt. i've made some big mistakes of the heart as it were.

i am rarely humble. i can't seem to show much humility. i absolutely suck at admitting that i'm wrong. the biggest problem for me is that i am not wrong all that often, and i'm generally the one proving others wrong. this is another failing, because it seems like i go out of my way to prove that i'm right about things.

i'm pompous too. oh god, i can't seem to talk about anything without sounding like i'm talking down to someone. i hate that, but i can't seem to stop it. especially when it comes to things like technology.

i also can't stand people. in general, it seems as though people as a whole are stupid. and stupid people aggravate me. it makes it hard for me to get along with people... i mean, i do ok, but i tend to make a lot of comments and jokes that i shouldn't. i probably shouldn't work with the public, but i do.

which brings me to the fact that i am a sarcastic dick. i can't stop myself. i make sarcastic jokes and comments all of the time, no matter how inappropriate or inoppurtune the moments. i have worked for years on trying to make the internal filter between my brain and my mouth work, but generally, it doesn't.

i can't take a joke, and tend to try and one up a jokester. i wouldn't get along with myself at all, i don't know how some people do. i am truly grateful at those people that can tolerate my existance, but of course, i could never show it without it seeming forced or fake.

i have no patience. i suck at waiting. i want instant gratification. i can't stand suspense, i can't stand the unknown. i'm ok with the answers i've built, but i don't want to be in the dark about anything. i can't stand being lied to or cheated on (who can?). i tend to suspect the worst in people, but still get frustrated when i'm right. i dive head long into emotions that i shouldn't, i frequently confuse lust with love. i don't think i really trust anyone.

i suck at life in general.

now, keep in mind, that my attitudes and actions are in stark contrast to my self image. i do not have very solid self esteem. i don't think all that highly of myself as a whole, and it knocking other people down doesn't help. i don't think of myself as all that attractive, though, i know as a whole, there are a lot of uglier people out there. i think that i would be more attractive to people were i cabable of expressing my emotions better.

i think people look at me like some sort of sociopath. but i'm not. i have plenty of emotion, good emotion, it is just buried.

why? i don't know, but it's driving me crazy.

the worst part, is that when i do express a positive emotion, or feeling, it's like pulling teeth. it's hard for me. i don't do it often, and i don't do a very good job of it, so when it happens, and i don't get a positive reaction, its like getting kicked in the guts, although it's so much worse when i don't get any reaction at all.

the truth of the matter is that i think i am a good and caring person. i just can't seem to prove it to anyone.



note: i mentioned my father once, and only once, however, i'm fairly certain that most of my failings have been passed from him. he's not a terrible person, but he's never been a very good father, and he's fairly awful as a human, but underneath i think there is good in him, buried, deep, where it rarely comes out. i once spent a ludicrous amount of money on the man for a christmas gift he had desperately wanted and needed, he opened it and said, "oh." this is why i'm fairly awful as a human myself. at least, i'm pretty sure. i'm not trying to shift all the blame, especially since he wasn't around through most of my childhood. it doesn't mean i don't love him.