why is it so hard to say?

in the silence, there was nothing but rapt attention. she sat, listening, straining to hear. he sat, saying nothing, but he didn't hear the same thing she did. she heard his oppurtunity to say something, to tell her how he felt, he only heard her soft breath just a few feet away.

it was dark, and they sat there, no one saying anything. he longed to tell her how he felt, but that was not to be, he was afraid. he had always been afraid, and, as far as he was concerned, never very good at relationships to begin with, and he truly didn't want to ruin this one. she just wanted for him to say something, anything, that would make her feel good. but, the silence stretched out between them, further and further.

it had been a good night, like so many others. but this night, she realized something, something about the way he was acting, the way he touched her, the way he didn't touch her, something about him had changed, and maybe, something about her had changed as well. they'd known each other forever, and perhaps longer, sometimes it seemed. they could finish each other's sentences, but even years ago, they had decided that romance between them would be impossible, they were best friends. now though, she wasn't so sure.

this night, they went to the show, they watched one of their favorite bands up on stage, the little, trendy club was packed. it was a favortie hang out for teens and they were no exception, even as they were approaching their 20's. punk rock, indie, and occasionally hardcore and metal bands had been across the stage, which was nothing more than a small wooden platform that almost looked to be made of old pallets, rather than good lumber. this he noticed, because he'd worked at a lumberyard since he was 16.

tonight, the music was good, it pulsed, their ears rang, it flowed through them, and they danced, and sang along. there was something about this band that always made the two of them feel good, as if they were the only two people in that small back room turned venue. the songs ranged from heavy, angsty, scream songs, to soft ballads of emotional dischord. the band played for hours, longer, than any of their previous sets, and all who attended felt they'd gotten their cover's worth.

their night began, as it often did, with pizza, and not just any pizza, the best pizza in the state, the menu said so very clearly, and both were inclined to agree. tonight, they shared a particularly good thai chicken pizza, which they'd always argued about getting, until one day, he said yes, she finally gave in, and he gloated the whole time as she admitted she loved it. they talked about everything.

he told her about his job, she told him about her classes, they talked about the show they'd seen a few days before, and he told her about a television show he'd started watching, and had become addicted to, she laughed at him. they discussed their current relationships, his was good, but he wanted something more, and couldn't figure out what it was, hers was not good, and he told her he was sorry, and that he couldn't understand how anyone could treat her wrong. then he put his hand on hers, and they locked eyes, but only for a moment. maybe, she could see something that had been right in front of her all along.

they waited outside the doors in the cold, to have one last cigarette before going in for the show. they both cursed the city's ban on smoking indoors, and he said he hated how he couldn't look as cool as possible without standing outside. she laughed at him, and he said something, but she didn't catch it. he wouldn't repeat it, even though she hit him a few times to get it out of him. if she'd heard him, the night might have been very different.

while the band played, they moved with the throng, but entirely seperate from it, they were jumping, throwing their hands in the air. one of the last songs was a beautiful love song, and the two of them slow danced, like they always did for this track, but this time it was different, he held her tighter, and she allowed herself to get swept away by him, and the song ended far sooner than either would have liked, an eternity would not have been long enough.

one more song and it was over, and they waited afterward to congratulate the band on a great set, and they stood around, chatting a bit, talking about upcoming shows, and the bands new cd, which, everyone had agreed, even the band, was not their best. but they had something new coming, and if the two of them wanted, they could come check out the show a few cities over in just a few weeks when they were going to throw in some of the new tracks, just to see how they sound before they hit the studio with them. it sounded like a great idea, and they said they would definitely be there.

it was almost two in the morning whent hey both plopped down in the rusty old b.m.w. he'd inherited from his dad, it was small, and ran horribly, but it got him from a to b with minimal effort, and he'd hardly had to put a dime into it. she laid her head on his shoulder before they'd even made it out of the parking lot, and was snoring softly when they arrived at her run down apartment building on the other side of the city. he'd listened to her in near silence while a mixed c.d. played almost too quietly on a deck that was worth more than the car, watching the downtown buildings pass by, watching the people and places, become more and more sparse as the streets went on and on.

he hated to wake her up, but he did, and he walked her up to her apartment as he always did, and went inside behind her. she didn't turn on the lights, so the only illumination was the soft neon glow of the bar across the street, and they both fell into an old threadbare green sofa with a pair of soft thumps. he wasn't tired at all, and didn't want to leave here, didn't want to go home to his parents house, where he was embarrassed to be still living. soon, he told himself, soon he'd finally get his own place.

in the darkness, he watched her, she watched him back, and no one said anything, and the only sound was the occasional car passing by only a couple stories below, on a street that was damp from condensation the tires made a wet noise that for some reason comforted them both.

he opened his mouth, twice, but closed it quickly. he didn't know what to say, or at least, he didn't know how to say it. he wanted her to know, and he didn't know how it was that his feelings had changed, but they had, and he was painfully aware that friendship was not enough.

"god, that was a great show," she said, and he exhaled in a sigh that had been building up, thankful she'd broken the silence for him. she hated herself for it, she wanted him to say it, she could feel it too, if he'd just said something, they'd both feel better. she didn't know how hard he'd tried.

"i know, they've never played that well!" he was being over excited, why? just say something, is all he thought.

"yeah, although, that first band, what were they called? whatever, they sucked pretty hard." she said this, as if she were grasping to find soemthing to say, which she was.

"yeah, but they weren't on for long, at least..." his voice trailed off, but came back before he could stop himself, "well, you're tired, i should probably go."

"oh," she said, desperate for him to hear the dissapointment in her voice, "you can stay a little longer, unless you need to go..."

"yeah, i probably should, i have to get up ina few hours," his mind raced, why couldn't he just say it?

"ok, well," she stopped, don't say it she thought.

"goodnight," he said, and he was already at her door.

"goodnight, her voice followed, and then there was a soft click of the door opening, then closing. and the silence returned, and remained. she stayed on the couch, and wrapped her arms around herself, wishing they were his.

he walked down the stairs, stopping twice, thinking about going back up, but in the end, he was opening his car door, cursing his cowardice. he looked up, to see if she'd turned a light on, but it was still dark in her window, and he started his car, which rumbled to life reluctantly. foot on the clutch, he shifted into first, and felt a pain in his gut, in his heart, in his soul, and he drove off, wondering if he'd ever be able to tell her how he felt. scared to death that she'd never feel the same way.