a story of my childhood...

i thought that perhaps a story of my younger life would help people to understand me better. i've often heard people tell me that they don't remember much from before they were 4 or 5, i have thought that the reason for this is that they had good lives. happiness, while usually it can have a big impact in your life, usually is only impactful if it's contrasted in some way. i remember a surprising amount of my life at the age of 2...

this story, however, takes place when i was 4 years old. as a matter of fact, i'd just turned 4. at that time my family and i lived in norwalk, california. my father was the cheif engineer at the state hospital there, which was a large primarily mental health facility. we lived on site, there were quite a few houses as well as several apartment complexes for the lower level employees. my dad's position afforded him a house off on the far north side of the campus, my back yard had several palm trees and butted up against a massive iron fence, which was painted white. i can't tell you the number of times i'd watch the patients tear across the lawn, security guards trailing close behind, where they'd hit the fence and begin to climb, only to be torn down right away and dragged back to where they'd come from. it was an interesting life.

while i've mentioned that my father was not exactly the greatest person on the planet, this story takes place before things had gotten to where he was beating me. this was during the knock down drag out fights between him and my mother while i would hide under my mickey mouse comforter and pretend to sleep.

this story is not about my father, but someone near as awful. it's about one of his bothers, mike. i have two paternal uncles, mike and jim. jim i never really knew because he lived a very cocaine filled life, if i'm not mistaken, after his wife died of cancer he over dosed on something shortly thereafter.

but, michael... uncle mike i saw more of, especially after moving back to minnesota, where both of my parent's families are originally from. he lives in st. paul, but i haven't seen him since his wedding in the late 80's... or was it my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary? i'm not quite sure, but it's been a while. before that, i saw him when he was trying to convince my mother that she was a horrible person and that i should live with him until my father could come to collect me...

this story, i had been four for about a month, perhaps. and he had flown out to visit the family. i remember him asking me what i'd wanted for the birthday, and i replied instantly that i wanted a transformer. i responded with gusto. i went into detail about how cool optimus prime was, and the that i wanted an optimus prime or a megatron, but that i would be happy with bumblebee or hotrod. i told him about the cartoon, from which i drew my passion, and told him how cool the toys were because you could change them from robots to cars and planes and things! wow! this would have been 1985.

his visit was uneventful for the most part, but i remember him taking me aside to give me my gift. i believe i was in a rental car, because i remember driving, though, a lot of my memories of that place were wending our way through the various streets that ran around like snake tracks in the sand. i tore paper from the gift, as he told me he'd gotten me exactly what i'd asked for, a transformer!

when i got the paper open, it was just that. a transformer. it was a radio shack branded, small tordial core autotransformer. i don't remember exactly what the voltage rating was for it, but i beleive it was designed for use in ham radio building. not a stranger to sarcasm and dry wit, i was keenly aware of this being some sort of joke, and held my disappointment. until i asked him where the real present was. he replied that this was it. then i cried.

i cried a lot.

my mother yelled at him, but my father shared the chuckle. it was so funny to crush a four year old in such a way. he coolly played it off to ignorance, even after the tirade i'd launched into when telling him exactly what i wanted.

he never replaced the gift.

i cried a lot when i was a kid.