I say very partial because, well, I was a lot funnier and there was TONS more talking than this... but, she's just started really...
Anyway, she sent it to me for my perusal. She has told me on innumerable occasions that she is not a writer... and I get the impression that she actually hates the idea of writing. To each their own, I suppose.
Of course, the only real problem here is that there is ZERO embellishment. This isn't a farce of the night's conversation. She has taken portions of it and typed them verbatim rather than use them as a loose guide to create something funny.
It's not a huge surprise, she has stated emphatically that the idea of trying to write comedy scares the bejesus out of her... and, I imagine that there's been more than a few episodes of Friends / Scrubs / How I Met Your Mother that were written very much like this, so, I won't fault her too much. Besides, to be honest, I don't know if I could really just invent a comedy scene on the fly myself.
And, she's written some pretty decent stuff for her class so far, so, I can forgive her this one infraction... ;)
Please note, my comments are included, these are the comments I put into the Word Document and sent back to her... if you were wondering what all those fsk's are... ;)
FADE IN
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Walking into the bar MELISSA, early 20’s ambitious and spunky, quickly looks around trying to find the person she’s meeting, a co-worker STEPHEN, mid 20’s (cool adjectives inserted here[fsk1] )
She finds he’s sitting with his back to her at the bar with an open seat beside him. Walking over, MELISSA sees that STEPHEN has already been enjoying the bars happy hour special of two for ones on beer. She hops up on the chair beside him. STEPHEN turns and notices his company has arrived.
MELISSA
Hey, Stephen.
STEPHEN
Hello.
MELISSA throws her purse up on the counter and begins to dig for her ID. Soon, the BARTENDER comes over, asking what she would like.
BARTENDER
Hi there. What can I get you?
MELISSA
I’ll get a Mich Golden Light with
olives.
BARTENDER
Alright. Can I see your ID?
MELISSA
MELISSA hands the BARTENDER her ID. Quickly looking at it the BARTENDER hands it back.
BARTENDER
I’ll be right back with that[fsk3] .
STEPHEN
You and your damn olives.
All I have so far but this is some of what we talked about pick the funny stuff to put in the script[fsk4] !
(Gets beer drinks some of it doesn’t taste like her beer)
STEPHEN
The olives have taken the delicious
out of the beer.
MELISSA
It’s not the olives. The olives make
the beer taste better.
She starts digging in her purse.
MELISSA
I think I have yogurt-covered raisins
in here. You want some?
STEPHEN
No, no. Why would I want random foodstuffs
from your purse?
MELISSA
I don’t have an answer for that.
STEPHEN
That has got to be the strangest thing
I’ve had offered to me in quite a while.
She takes one of them out and puts it on the counter but it’s just the raisin, without the yogurt covering.
STEPHEN
Ewe[fsk5] . (How the hell do you spell this?)
MELISSA
Apparently [fsk6] all the yogurt came off.
She digs around some more and finds something else she places on the counter.
MELISSA
Oh here’s the rest of it.
STEPHEN
Ew[fsk7] , ew, ew, like you wouldn’t believe.
MELISSA
I wonder what other fun stuff I have in
here.
STEPHEN
I don’t wonder that thing.
MELISSA
So, Stephen, have you thought of any ideas
for me?
STEPHEN
No, not really.
MELISSA
Comedy screenplay?
STEPHEN
No… I have no ideas.
MELISSA
Well then, let’s talk funny now Stephen [fsk8]
to give me some ideas.
STEPHEN
No.
(beat)
When’s this thing due?
MELISSA
Thursday.
STEPHEN
Oh… we’ve go time.
MELISSA
You sure.
STEPHEN
Funny will probably happen between now
and then.
MELISSA
It usually never does.
STEPHEN
Bah dun bum.
MELISSA
That’s going in.
STEPHEN
How do you write that?
MELISSA
What?
STEPHEN
Bah dun bum.
MELISSA
B A H
STEPHEN
Bah.
MELISSA
Bah.
STEPHEN
Like a sheep, baaaaaahhhhh
MELISSA
How do you spell that?
STEPHEN
B A A A H H H exclamation mark,
asterisk.
MELISSA
What do you mean, asterisk?
STEPHEN
You know the starry thing.
MELISSA
Why do you need an asterisk?
STEPHEN
Why not?
MELISSA
I’m confused.
STEPHEN
That’s not hard to do.
MELISSA
Oh, thanks.
(Pause in conversation)
MELISSA
So Stephen.
STEPHEN
Nope.
MELISSA
Damn it.
STEPHEN
Well maybe.
MELISSA
In this screenplay should I use our
actual names?
STEPHEN
Why not?
MELISSA
Okay, so well then I need adjectives.
STEPHEN
Adjectives, you mean words that modify
a noun by describing it?
MELISSA
Something like that. Go.
STEPHEN
Awesome, coolest ever.
Try not to laugh so hard.
Hey I got one for you.
He sticks up his middle finger at her.
STEPHEN
Oh, there it is.
MELISSA
Oh, damn it.
STEPHEN
I found it.
MELISSA
Damn it. That’s going in you know.
Description of action.
STEPHEN
What about sound effects? Ching.
MELISSA
I don’t think sound effects would work
for a middle finger.
STEPHEN
What about when it’s soring through the
air?
MELISSA
Lets move on.
(Pause drinky of beer and stuff.)
MELISSA
I got a paper cut at work today.
She shows him her hand.
STEPHEN
I tore the flesh off of my palm.
He shows her his palm.
MELISSA
I almost broke my pinky.
STEPHEN
I got stabbed with a knife.
MELISSA
I almost broke my pinky at work.
STEPHEN
Oh.
MELISSA
Today.
STEPHEN
I broke a lot of things at work just
not at this place.
MELISSA
That’s beside the point.
STEPHEN
So I guess the point is here and what
I’m saying is over this way?
He gestures with his arms a wide distance of the points in discussion.
MELISSA
Oh it’s way over that way.
STEPHEN
So, it’s not so much beside as away
from the point.
MELISSA
It’s totally away from the point
STEPHEN
But it could be the point because
frankly it has a lot to do with the
point.
MELISSA
Not really.
STEPHEN
It’s similar.
MELISSA
We’re talking about work at Office
Depot. Not work somewhere else.
STEPHEN
But work is work no matter where it is.
MELISSA
Hey, so back to this screenplay thingy.
STEPHEN
You should have brought your laptop. I
could have transcribed everything.
MELISSA
Are you a fast typer?
STEPHEN
Extremely.
MELISSA
Should I run home and get it?
STEPHEN
No.
MELISSA
I have an idea.
STEPHEN
I don’t like ideas.
She begins to dig in her purse again.
STEPHEN
What the hell could you get out of your
purse now that’s going to help?
MELISSA
It’s going to help.
She takes out her cell phone.
MELISSA
Text messaging.
She passes her phone to him.
MELISSA
Type, type everything we say.
STEPHEN
Something tells me I couldn’t keep up.
MELISSA
Do you want me to get an F?
STEPHEN
An F?
MELISSA
An F.
STEPHEN
An F?
MELISSA
In my grade.
STEPHEN
I would prefer you didn’t… but obviously
it’s not my class.
MELISSA
So in other words you don’t give a shit?
STEPHEN
No, I do, but my responsibility toward it is
fairly limited.
MELISSA
So basically I’m on my own.
STEPHEN
Well no. I’m trying to help.
MELISSA
That’s true
(Pause more action happening.)
STEPHEN
Orange?
MELISSA
No, olive?
STEPHEN
Olive’s don’t go with oranges.
MELISSA
No, Stephen, oranges don’t go with olives.
STEPHEN
Have you ever wondered about the orange?
MELISSA
Not entirely, no.
STEPHEN
It’s the only fruit that’s named after
a color or the only color named after
a fruit. Why?
MELISSA
No clue.
STEPHEN
And why isn’t the apple named green or
green apple? Or red even?
MELISSA
I think the orange is the only thing
even named after any color. You know
what it is Stephen, it’s just to confuse
you.
STEPHEN
I think your right, it is.
MELISSA
I don’t think this will turn out good at
all. It’s just a talking head scene. All
we do is sit here and talk and drink beer.
STEPHEN
Well, we could go do something[fsk9] ?
[fsk1]BAHAHAHAH, I have to see what you end up using here…
[fsk2]Did you say yep?
[fsk3]Was she that pleasant, do I really just block out when people fling meaningless descriptions to their supposed actions?
[fsk4]Is this directed at me?
[fsk5]I think it’s “Eew”, a Ewe would be a female sheep…
[fsk6]Wasn’t it more like, Hmm… all the yogurt came off…
[fsk7]I’ll also accept this as a good spelling, too…
[fsk8]Do you really say my name this much?
[fsk9]You can’t just stop there! :P
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