We soon commemorate the Zombie Jesus

Well, perhaps I read it wrong...

A man, a prophet, is executed, then 3 days later he rises from the dead... and becomes undead.

You know, I haven't really talked much about my religious beliefs here, mostly because they don't generally find a favorable audience. I will be somewhat upfront though. I am not what you'd call a Christian. I believe that there must be a higher power up there, but I don't believe in organized religion, nor to I believe in the name God anymore than I believe in the Native American's Grandfather.

Either way, as religions come around, I will generally refer to them with a jeer, and frequently crack jokes in their direction. You can ignore it, it's just easier than trying to change my mind.

This time of year, it's the commemoration of the creation of the Zombie Jesus, else, it's the Rabbit Jesus, or the Bunny Jesus. I'm sure he was a great guy, I'm just not 100% convinced that he was actually the Son of God, or if he was more just a prophet for the Lord.

Though, it's probably best that I move on. If you believe in it, though, Happy Easter to you.


How I spent my summer vacation...

Or, at least, how I spent last night.

One unnecessarily compounded word: Grindhouse.

Truthfully, the experience was one of the best I've had in a while. The movie was great, and I'll get to that, but the actual going to the theater had a few memorable components as well.

First, my friend Jim went to the midnight showing the previous evening, and had regaled me with tales of wonder, and a packed theater. Assuming that Showplace, where Mike and I planned to see it, is one of the busier theaters on opening night, I figured it would be best to run up and pick up some tickets early. I got there about 2 hours early, and there was one hell of a line, and I looked up at the big board and saw that we were about half an hour from anything showing, and that was Meet the Robinsons. Then, as I got closer to the cashier, a cute piece of jailbait that seemed more interested in her blue Sanyo Katana phone than the customers she was supposed to be helping, I noticed that the small groups in front of me were buying tickets to the same showing of Grindhouse that I was there for. I used my incredible deductive reasoning powers and figured that the showing would be packed.

Oddly, when Mike and I got there, it was not. We arrived at about 7:30 for the 8:10 showing, assuming that it would be hard to find seats. It was not hard, though we did manage to get some great seats.

Now, arriving early, and having been berated by Mike on previous occasions for never buying food and drink at the theater, I figured this time that I would go ahead and get some nachos and a coke. He got his regular Popcorn and Coke. After laughing at the kids working the concession stand, as well as the fact that they abandoned all pretense of give you fresh food by handing me a bag of chips set into a tray with warmed cheese substitute, we made our way to our theater.

We should have expected someone to check our tickets going in, since there was no one standing at the ticket stand when we came in, however, it didn't make it any less inconvenient to approach a door with both hands full of spill-able foodstuffs. The scrawny, acne faced kid said, and I'll admit that it was with an odd conviction, "Tickets!"

Mike says, and he's shuffling food from hand to hand, something to the effect of, "Yeah, this is the most convenient time to check those." I said something similar to the little fucker, and then, as we're walking in through the door, I say, "And while you're at it, could you be scrawnier and nerdier? I'm just not buying it." I said it hoping that I was still within earshot of the little punk, who looked more ridiculous in his "uniform" than most, especially the stupid hats they're made to wear. (If you've ever been to a Kerasotes Theater, you'll know what I mean). I know it's not his fault, not really, but it doesn't make it less funny. Not to me anyway.

So, we get settled into our seats, and we're watching the "quotes" on the big screen while people meander in. Now, I much prefer the constant barrage of trivia, because I can usually answer a lot of it, which somehow gives me a feeling of superiority. But, there wasn't much in the way of Trivia, just random quotes from various actors.

Some highlights of these:

"I've learned that success comes in a prickly package." - Sandra Bullock

Really? If you think you've truly had success, you're sad. If you're just referring to the fact that every movie you've ever been in that gets a decent rating, usually lists you as the caveat. No one likes your acting. Clearly your success has come from some other talent...

"I don't think of myself as hot or talented... I'm just a dork." - Ashley Olson

Really, what's your sister think? No, really, we're dying to know.

"Life's not worth living if there isn't a camera around." - Carmen Electra

Wow. Honesty! This was the most amazing quote...

Denzel Washington had a quote about how nothing is more important than is kids... which just BLEW OUR MINDS! And someone else said something about how ACTING is about getting better with every attempt... which, I mean really... Mike said it best, "That could go for anything, even ditch digging."

Anyway, Mike and I sat and watched these go by for 40 minutes as we waited for the movie start. It was decided that we probably didn't need to arrive so early, as the theater never even approached capacity. Apparently, Meet the Robinsons was more popular even last night than I'd given it credit for.

On another note, Mike had told me the running time for the film was 140 minutes according to where ever he looked it up. That would be 2 hours and 20 minutes, however, even with a few previews that weren't part of the movie, which started fairly promptly at 8:10, we didn't get out of the theater until about 11:15. Unless my maths are broken, that's about 3 hours.

Anyway, it was a good time in and of itself... but now:

Grindhouse

Amazing! Spectacular! Astounding!

Wow!

I went into this thing with high expectations, and it did not disappoint. The greatest component of the whole thing was the attention to the details of the 70's style Grindhouse films. If you saw Kill Bill, you'll recall some of the things that Tarantino did there that harked back to the old days. This time around, there was more of that. The pops and scratches that seemed to last throughout, the skipping and repeating sound... it made to create a very realistic experience.

First, the 'fake' trailers. There were a few from various directors. They were all great. The first was Machette, which happened before the first movie, was hilarious. It had gore, nudity, and a hilarious concept, which is based on Rodriguez's use of Danny Trejo for characters that always have knife based names. The idea is that it's a Mexican federali who poses as a day laborer and gets hired for a hit job. He's double crossed and goes after the people that hired him. It's hilarious, and it's been announced that they will produce it as a direct to DVD film, since they had enough footage just from making the trailer that it only made sense.


The rest of the trailers were in the middle. The one I had been most looking forward to was Werewolf Women in the S.S. by Rob Zombie. The title pretty clearly defined the concept. But, it's a sight to behold. The best part was that after all the dark and gritty shots of naked nazi babes killing people and turning into werewolves, thy then cut to Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu... hilarity at it's finest.

Don't followed this, and it was just funny... I can't even describe it. Edgar Wright, of Shaun of the Dead, directed the trailer, and it basically just says "If you're blah blah blah that house... Don't" and after awhile, the direction is dropped and the word Don't is repeated over and over, until it's flashed as the title of the film.

Eli Roth presents and Eli Roth production of Eli Roth's Thanksgiving. This trailer was apparently actually going to be a movie, until Grindhouse came around and Eli Roth said to his friend, who plays the psychotic pilgrim on a murderous rampage in Massachusetts, "Dude, guess what, we don't have to make the movie, we can just shoot the best parts." It's about Jordan Ladd, a psycho kid who goes to a mental institution after killing his family over his father's murder of his beloved turkey. He comes back to exact his revenge... It's wrong, on so many levels.

Now, on to the films themselves. Planet Terror is Rodriguez's entry, and while I expected to like Tarantino's entry more, I think I preferred this one. It was just so awful, which is what you'd expect. I throughout almost the entire thing, as the horrible quick cuts and terrible dialog let loose on a story that seems to wander around so much over the multitude of characters.

Deathproof, on the other hand seems more like two 30 minute movies that are just tacked together. Following one group that gets killed by Stunt Man Mike, who uses his death proof stunt car to exact some sort of strange murderous plot against girls he's taken a fancy too. In the second half of the film, we lose Mike for a while and follow another group for while and learn of their lives, when Mike comes back, he learns that he's messed with the wrong ladies. The stunts are just plain fun to watch.

The whole of the this results in a great block of movie joy. I can't imagine not seeing this in the theater. It's just good clean wholesome fun! Theres guns, blood, guts, gore, nudity, campy and silly dialog, poorly written story.

These guys have really hit on a concept that has long been needed. Recalling the classic movies of days gone past. Days when people went to the theater to see a movie, not because of the 3 billion dollar budget, but because it was filled with blood and guts, thrills and chills.

I can't wait for the sequel.


To find out more, check out the wikipedia article.


The Baby Hatch

Apparently, Japan needs to place to stick their babies. According to a couple articles that I read, they are about to get just that.

The concept is that it's a cradle where people can anonymously dump babies, and it's based on something that's apparently been in use in Germany for awhile called the BabyKlappe. I've heard a lot of people saying bad things about it, but here in the U.S., most states have laws that allow people to dump their babies almost anywhere, from Police and Fire Stations, to hospitals. It certainly beats the dumpster behind Red Lobster.

Of course, there's always the BabySmasher.


Unlocking Game Content.

In an article on GameStooge.com, a guy shows a new level of video game stupidity rarely seen these days.

What is he lobbying for? Laziness.

His complaint is that he's tired of buying games and having to work to unlock the conent of the game. His main target? Guitar Hero, which requires you to work your way through songs to unlock more songs. Apparently, he thinks that his $60 should allow him to play whatever song he wants.

He even makes an asinine comment about the "illegal" claims on the package of songs you can play... because you can't just play them, you have to unlock them. He's not saying that the songs aren't there, but that the box should say you have to unlock the songs.

It's the most ridiculous thing I've read in a while from a game nerd. I'm sorry you don't like it, all this having to work to get a reward. What a silly idea, using a formula that has worked in video games for decades. Maybe I should call Nintendo about a refund since Super Mario Bros. required me to unlock worlds, and didn't just let me start a game from where I want. We could probably get a nice class action lawsuit going, since I recall seeing screen shots of levels on the box that I couldn't get to right away.

It's a game, you're supposed to play it. Moron.


Tired of Tiny URLS?

Me too.. try HugeURL.com!

Here it is in action, when we take http://fyrephlie.blogspot.com/ and hugefy it!

http://www.hugeurl.com/?OGQ5YTk1NzU0ZmNlNjUzNDM3ZWEwMjlhYzBkYzIzOGIm
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Maddox tackles another great subject...

On thebestpageintheuniverse.net, Maddox is pretty hilarious. Now he's tackling the age old Mac vs. PC... hilarity ensues.


Cracked.com does something funny...

Kind of. I don't know, they have posted a list of the "5 Most Annoying Banner Ads on the Internet" that is pretty funny. At the same time, though, they seem to be a lot of the same things that they are complaining about...

I don't know, check it out, it's worth a chuckle or two.


300... the PG Version




The new trolls under the bridge?

CNN.com is running a story about the poor sex offenders from Florida's Miami-Dade county. There they have some of the most stringent Sex Offender laws on the books, they require that they live no less than 2,500 feet from Schools, Parks and any place where children congregate. The problem: that's nearly half a mile, and that means that there's hardly anywhere they can live.

The tone of the article is one of sympathy toward men who have become homeless or are living in terrible places, like under bridges where there's no running water, electricity, and likely cable hook-ups.

FUCK THEM! They are rapists and child molesters! These dumb mother fuckers should have thought about the consequences of what they were doing. I don't feel even the slightest bit of sympathy for them, and I can't believe that any does!

They talk of a guy's sorrow in losing his apartment. Too bad! The man is a convicted sex offender. He's not a Jew being oppressed by Hitler, he's not an African American who's not allow to sit at the same lunch counter. He's a sex offender! He doesn't get to vote, and in Miami-Dade County, he doesn't get his pick of wherever he wants to live.


Apple's iRack

Sometimes MADtv can still be funny...