A Rationalization of Vacation Destination

Maybe it's strange for someone to feel the need to rationalize their family vacation destination. We're going to Omaha, Nebraska for a few days next week. I think some explanation is in order.

Originally we were planning to go to Chicago. The idea was that we'd drive down and stay in the O'Hare area and then do the Museum circuit. It was a pretty decent plan, overall, but the more we looked at it the more we didn't really want to go. Or at least I didn't want to go. I can't explain why I have such a limited interest in Chi-Town, but I just don't much care for it. I've been there, I've seen it. It's a place. I feel pretty confident that at some point we'll get there because neither of have done the museum circuit. However, between the cost of the trip and my disinterest in going, we started considering other destinations.

The first alternate destination we considered was Duluth. Of course, we've done Duluth. What Twin City resident hasn't, right? It's a wonderful place, but it just seems so plain and uninteresting to do for this trip, and we really wanted to get out of the state. Moreover, the majority of the attractions in the area are not open until after May 29th. It seems silly to vacation someplace where more than half of the attractions are closed. Given all of this, and after a great deal of looking and considering we started looking at southern Minnesota.

We looked at Lac Qui Parle and the Pipestone area, and then the idea of taking the kids between Minnesota, South Dakota, and Iowa came to mind. It would be fun for them to say they'd been in three states in a day. After some searching I came up with the idea of running down through Omaha, NE, and then running through Sioux City, IA and Sioux Falls, SD. Then the kids could say they were in four different states.

That seemed agreeable. The next step was to look at all the attractions throughout our proposed destinations. Looking at Omaha was very illuminating. It turns out that there are lot of things to do in Omaha. After picking our way through the travel guide sites, and considering the fact that neither of us had spent any time in Omaha, but had instead just driven through it. We decided we'd just make it a trip to Omaha.

Now, I'm well aware how this seems unusual. No one vacations in Nebraska, right? It's like Cleveland, you just don't go there on purpose.

I won't lie, though, part of my motivation is to see the place the Counting Crows have been singing about for so long.

So, the plan is that we'll be heading to Omaha, NE. We'll be staying in Council Bluffs, IA, because it's cheaper and oddly closer to things to do in Downtown / Midtown. We'll be checking out the Old Market, Henry Doorly Zoo, The Durham and Union Pacific Museums, and various other sites and attractions.

Perhaps this will spawn a series of unusual trip destinations. There's a lot of vacation spots that are off the beaten path, places that people don't normally travel. Perhaps we’ll spend some time in Billings, Montana, Casper, Wyoming, and Idaho Falls, Idaho.

Until then, you can bet that I'll be updating this very blog at some point in the near future with images and information about our trip.

Don’t worry, I’ll be certain to tell you whether everything is on the up and up, or if we’ve been duped and suckered by a skillful marketing campaign by Omaha’s tourism board.

Adieu.

Alan Wake Update / Potential Migration / Big News

I thought I would update my readers (both of you) on the fact that I have pre-ordered a game for the first time ever. I went into Gamestop in Rogers and gave them a $10 bill for the purpose of reserving the Collector's Edition of Alan Wake.

What do I get in return? Surprisingly less than many other game's Special and Collector's editions, but I'm stoked about those features anyway. I might not have a set of night vision goggles or a remote controlled warthog coming to me, but I'm happy.

In other news, I've been considering moving my blog over to my web space on twotwentythree.com. I'm not sure how that would really effect things. It would be a bit of adjustment until Google caught up, but after that I think it would be fine. Perhaps, nEdwards, you'll just want to create a real bookmark if I make the change.

The advantage of moving is control. I'd be running word press instead of blogger and since I'd be on my own server it would give me a little more control.

I guess we'll see about that.

In final news, perhaps the biggest news, I'm getting married again. I asked my lady love, Manda, if she would be mine and in what I assume was a complete lapse in judgment, she said yes.

We've not set a date yet, though we're looking at October 30th as a strong candidate.

I'll keep you posted.

Alan Wake - A Game that Might Happen?

To start, I'd like to say that all signs indicate that I will be purchasing the game Alan Wake, which is slated to come out on May 18 of this year.

Mike and I have been talking about this game since it's initial announcement in 2005. Michael had been a proponent from the get go, to me it looked all right, but I wasn't quite as enthused.

From an email I sent to him in 2006 regarding the first footage they released for the game: "alan wake... are you serious with that... i mean, hey, it looks very pretty, but it doesn't appear that the engine is working right from those videos, because nothing moves quite right... and, he's scurred of it getting dark when a bunch of aliens wearing ponchos attack? it looks like some sort of alien version of alone in the dark... but... i mean, wow, it looks gorgeous... so it will be good... like gears of war, arguably the best game ever... because it's pretty."

Now, I understand what I wrote makes very little sense to anyone. I was sending the email to Mike who has learned to parse most of my retardedness into semi-coherent conversation. The gist there was that I was not impressed by what I saw. There seem to be creatures, aliens or otherworldly residents that all wear ponchos and are scaring Alan.

In the many, many, many years since, the Finnish company behind Alan Wake's development, Remedy, has done everything in their power to delay the release while simultaneously promising better and greater features and nearer and further launch dates.

Over the past five years, Alan Wake has entered the topic of our discussions many times, though it has quickly become a running joke. The unattainable perfect that will forever be just out of reach, dangled like a carrot before us.

In that time I've also had cause to change my mind about the game. While they've been changing exactly how the game will play here and there over the years, it seems that the core story has remained, and it looks to be interesting. A story about a writer who moves, at his wife's urging, to a new town, but her disappearance thrusts him into an adventure we get to play. Add to that the fact that they intend to make it more of an interactive story that will play like the first season of a television show, and that it's been in development for so very long and therefore has to be nearly flawless and you have a delicious recipe for a tasty dessert. Or video game. I forget, really.

At some point I recall stating emphatically that if Alan Wake was to be released, I would buy it simply because it had come out. Thus, I am bound to make the purchase, but had I not made that agreement with myself, I'd still be purchasing it. It simply looks like there's a chance it will be good. They seem to have focused on the storytelling, and while it doesn't look like it will quite as strong a departure from classic gaming as, say, Heavy Rain, it certainly looks promising.

Here it is, 2010, and it's been five years since they first announced this title, and it finally seems it will actually come out. I can't say I'm not excited, because I am, but something doesn't feel right. You know? I figured that this would be my white whale, I would be Ahab to this Moby Dick. Now that I might actually attain it, what more will I have to live for after this?

Of course, there's another option. As Mike put it the other day: "I hope each box is empty with a note that says the equivalent of "Psych!" in Finnish."

The Great Garage Debacle

"Débâcle" is great word, but wholly inappropriate in this case. I use it now simply because I think it's a fun word to say, but the events surrounding my garage are not, at least as of yet, disastrous, though you might disagree.

The question you might want to ask is: what are you talking about and why? You'd be right to ask these things and as such I think it only fair that I answer them.

You might not be aware that we bought a house last September, just before the original expiration of the homebuyer's tax credit, and moved in at the end of October. You might not be aware of this because I've not really bothered updating this blog at all that much over the last year and you likely don't care much about me and the events of my life.

We bought a house large enough to accommodate all us in an area we're both happier living. Our mortgage with escrow is lower than what we were paying for only one of our apartments. It was a foreclosure, however, and therefore needs some work. We've been plugging away on issues here and there, and don't get me wrong it's not a sinkhole of money sucking doom, but there are definitely enough things to work on to keep us busy.

One of the most noticeable issues with the house would be the garage door. Simply put, there wasn't one. In its place the previous owner tacked up four plywood boards and a single 1" x 4" column in the center.

Shortly after we moved in, one of our wonderful neighbors came over to welcome us to the neighborhood. Viktor and Tatiana, a lovely couple who emigrated from Belarus, brought delicious Russian Tea Cakes and an offer of assistance. Tatiana's brother-in-law works for a garage door company and could get a hold of salvaged panels for free and with a little elbow grease we could get the door up ourselves. Now, I imagine that for them, besides the good feeling of helping a neighbor, they were likely tired of looking at the eye-sore for the last couple years and were ready for a cul-de-sac where all of garages had doors of their own.

If you were to keep score, and know anything about anything, you'll know that on this circle, we have been blessed with two incredible and helpful neighbors, one neighbor that isn't terrible, an empty house, and neighbors we've never really met but are far enough away as to not likely effect us anyway.

The goal, when we spoke in November, was to get it done before the snow started coming down. Unfortunately, we missed the goal and spent the entire winter with an ugly garage.

Why didn't we just pay to have a garage door installed, then? While we had the money to do so, it just didn't make sense to spend money on something that we could get done for free. So, we chose to wait instead.

Fast forward to yesterday. Viktor and I began work on the project. Since neither of us are professional garage door installers, it took us a few hours longer than it probably should have, but we're more than willing to point out some of the adversity that has plagued us. Part of the problem, is the fact that the foundation on the garage is cracked and so the garage itself is somewhat lopsided. The left side is almost exactly two inches lower than the right.

It's obvious, after doing the work, that the reason there was no door on the garage when we bought it was because the the tracks had become warped because the foundation of the garage had shifted so far. Without realizing how lopsided the opening was when we started, we were forced to re-hang the new tracks after realizing the situation.

The good news is that the doors are on, the bad news is that it doesn't quite work yet. Because we had to adjust the left side tracks up to keep the door level, the left side of the door doesn't quite clear the rafters at the top. So, we decided to break there and we'll come back with a sawzall and a little bit of lumber later in the week. We're going to cut enough out of two of the rafters to clear the top of the door and reinforce the weakened rafters with some timber.

I have to admit, though, it's really nice to have something that at least looks like a garage now.



The lopsidedness of the garage isn't that big of a deal because we plan to tear it down and build a new one as an extension to the house in a few years, so this thing just needs to get us through a few seasons.

Now, you might wonder why I've told you all of this, and for that I award your house five points. Clearly it doesn't matter in the slightest to most people. I simply like to keep the few people who actually care about me and mine aware of the things that are happening.

Also, I've decided that I'd like to start working on my blog again, and this seemed a worthy topic to write about. The next topic, I think, will be the impending release (finally) of Alan Wake.

Until then, adieu.

Neglected Blog Syndrome

So, the post under this one was written a very long time ago, and since that time a lot has happened...

Yet my poor blog has gone un-updated, sitting dejected and neglected and ignored among the billions of pages on the internet.

I can say honestly that I've been busy.

I can say honestly that my plate has been full.

I can say honestly that I really enjoy Jet Puffed Toasted Coconut Marshmallows and that the sign on the front of this empty package does not lie, they are "great for munchin!"

You might wonder: What does this have to do with anything? And you're right for wondering it. Sadly, we'll never know the answer.

Farewell, for now.

Delusions of Grandeur

Recently, I went to the hospital to visit my Great Uncle (the nearest thing I have to a Grandfather on my Mother's side (yes, maternal, I did it my way)) who was suffering from congestive heart failure.

While that was sad, and we were fearing for the worst, I came across this scene when walking around from where we'd parked:



I considered a good omen at the time, or at least something funny, which is probably a good omen, right?

Initially the doctors weren't going to do anything for Uncle because they didn't feel his system could take it. His insulin levels were way off, he had fluid built up in his lungs, and his heart was failing. They decided to make him comfortable and stable.

This, if you've never experienced it, is what you'd call a bad sign.

The good news is that he's doing much better now. It seems the wait and see posture worked out in this case. He's going to be under care for some time, but the outlook is good.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where I was going with all this, but hopefully there's something for you to enjoy.

More Amusing Chats

These are things that have been chatted. I enjoy them. You will do the same, by my decree.

8:48 AM me: So, I've been thinking about it, and I think I will let you give me $5,000.

29 minutes

9:17 AM Michael: I've thought it over and I've decided to decline your offer. It's just too generous.

9:18 AM me: We can make it $7,500 then. That's fine.

Michael: Still.

me: How's life on your end of the chat box?

Michael: Covered in feces, but otherwise fine.

9:19 AM And yours, sir?

me: Well, a bit more sanitary, it sounds.

9:20 AM I informed the girls last night of the potential of a camping trip with you and Lucy and they are cautiously optimistic.

9:21 AM By that I mean they're jaws dropped for about a full minute and then they cheered. I told them we're not 100% sure we can work it all out, but that it looks good that we'll get camping one way or another. They are excited. I also told them that you and I were planning to feed them to wolves.

Their.

Dammit.

9:22 AM I've been screwing of the the(i/y/)(r/)e) 's a lot lately.

9:23 AM Michael: also the "o's" and "f's" apparently.

me: O/u f/p

Those are all the same, really.

Michael: I don't think you're allowed to divide f by p.

9:24 AM me: I don't see why not.

Provide me with a tasty morsel.

Michael: How do you like fist?

me: Seared with a hint of lime.

And then there's this:

8:35 AM me: What the shit is with the snow?

It's fucking April!

8:36 AM Michael: What the shit indeed, sir.

8:38 AM me: I don't remember there being snow in April before.

I'm sure there is and I just complain about it when it happens, but still..

8:39 AM Great Raptor Jesus it's irritating.

36 minutes

9:16 AM Michael: Have the Juggernaut and the Blob ever faced off before?

me: I think so...

Michael: You always hear that, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" thing.

9:17 AM My hypothesis is nothing. But I think Juggernaut and the Blob could shine some more light on it.

9:18 AM me: Possibly.

If they are of equal mass the would simply stop where they met.

9:19 AM And velocity and all that.

Physics is pretty clear on all this...

9:20 AM Michael: Unless of course the immovable object is immovable do to the fact that it is ethereal in nature or somehow intangible.

They never say why it's immovable.

me: True.

Michael: The same could be said of the unstoppable.

Wind, for instance, is somewhat unstoppable.

9:22 AM me: Sort of.

It is stoppable with a force equal or greater.

It's all just atmospheric pressure.

9:25 AM Michael: Of course, the saying does indicate that one is unstoppable and the other is immovable, so it's just theory, as neither of those objects exist.

me: Right.

9:26 AM It's a saying, not a scientific theorum.

Michael: You're a saying.

me: I don't think so...

9:27 AM Unless it's 'A Stephen' which is a term for someone with extreme sexual prowess.

But that's not really a sayong.

9:28 AM Saying.

9:31 AM There are two types of people in this work, sir, Stephen's and Michael's. I think we both know which type you are.

Michael: So's your face.

9:32 AM me: Brilliance

56 minutes

10:28 AM Michael: Sticking that little straw from a can of compressed air up your anus and pulling the trigger is a really bad idea.

me: Wow.

11 minutes

10:40 AM me: Please tell me you don't know from experience now.

Michael: No. It was just a warning. Friendly advice.

me: Alright.

10:41 AM Michael: On a totally separate note, how might one remove a small plastic straw from a frostbitten sphincter hole? Just in theory...I mean, if it was really jammed up there?

10:43 AM me: Tepid room temperature water, some patience and ability to deal with pain

10:44 AM Also, a midget and a bucket of fried chicken.

10:45 AM Three doves.

Michael: Shit. I ate the chicken and fed the midget to the doves.

Wish you'd been a little quicker with that.

me: All part of the plan, sir.

You're doing fine.

10:46 AM Michael: Wow. What luck. I kind of succeeded accidentally there.

I also win for including two "cc" words in the same sentence.

10:48 AM me: Next you'll need a slip and slide, 3 quarts of mineral oil, another bucket of fried chicken the fat black woman from the Weeds, a dead potato beetle, 16 fighter kites, an opossum, and the colon from a mummified animal no less than 10 million years old.

This step is easy, I assume you can figure it out, let me know when you ready for the final step.

10:50 AM Michael: I put all that stuff in the closet, then called the black lady "an uppity negro" and the straw came out when she pulled her foot "out my pasty, white ass."

10:53 AM me: Very good.

Now, for the last step, you're going to need a decent team of attorneys.

10:54 AM You'll be defending the civil suit against the black lady, filing counter suit for damages from her foot in your ass and suing the air duster company for lack of clear warning against blowing up your own ass.

10:56 AM At some point during the trial, get someone to write a fake suicide note, hang yourself with the colon and eat the potato bug. It will make a great episode of Law and Order 'ripped from the headlines'.

10:57 AM Michael: During which I'll be called as a consultant and Alana de la Garza will fall deeply in love with me. Yes.

It's all going just as I'd planned.

10:58 AM me: Ta da!

11:00 AM For our next trick, watch me pull a rabbit out of your ass!

Michael: I dunno. That one's pretty well stuck. I've come to terms with that.

11:01 AM me: It's still unnerving to watch you feed it.

Michael: That was pretty fucking funny. Well done, sir.

11:02 AM me: Thank you.

The Moon for NEdwards....

Since he's the only one that really reads this blog, and he can't check the Facebooks tonight, here's the moon for your viewing pleasure.

In one image we have a fast shutter speed for detail, in the other a slow shutter speed for pretty... the green moon is actually a lens flare.

And here's why I love craigslist...

This ad.

Protesting Call of Duty: World at War?

An article at Joystiq discusses a high school student's protest of Call of Duty: World at War's dog killing. This is a minor element of the game, and takes place specifically in context.

She says, "Killing animals should not be a form of entertainment."

So, my question is: It's not ok to kill a couple of dogs in a video game, but killing literally thousands of people in the same game is cool?

I don't get it.

and then there are times...

that being a Dad is the best gig in the world.

It says:

To: Daddy
I love
you!
Your the
best
Dad
ever!

Your the
best
Dad
anybody
cod have!

(On the back)
P.S. I hope
you have
a grate
day at
woke!
Ever day!

That is the probably best thing you can find on your desk after the day I've had...

The Last House on the Left

The Last House on the Left is yet another remake, this time of a classic 1972 Wes Craven film.

It's really not worth delving too deeply into, so this will be a rather short review.

I'm not going to say I liked this movie. I didn't hate it, but it was flawed in a great number of ways. What I will say is that this movie is deeply satisfying, especially as a father of daughters.

The casting is mediocre, at best. The acting is, therefore, sketchy. There are some gaps that I had a hard time with, and some are fairly glaring. Points throughout the movie drag by, almost painfully. There's an unnecessarily brutal rape scene that seems to exist simply for the shock value.

Still, the movie ends with some satisfying revenge, which made the movie feel worth watching.

This is not a movie that I can recommend as a must see, but I will say that it was better than I expected. It doesn't scratch that horror itch, but it's still a movie you can catch with some friends and either enjoy or enjoy bashing.

ThruYOU - Something Amazing

ThruYOU

Remixing, re-sampling, re-creating: these are all things that I approve of, but only sparingly, at best.

This site, though, is nothing short of amazing.

What it is: Kutiman, an Israeli artist, has taken dozens of seemingly unrelated YouTube videos, everything from solo vocals to basic instructional videos to advertisements for items being sold on eBay, and put them together so deftly as to make a series of seven incredible tracks.

They're all up to see, plus a short 'about' video that allows you to meet the man.

Sure, there's the questions of copyright infringement, of someone using these videos for their own gain. I'm not normally in favor of the ends justifying the means, but these tracks are spectacular, and I have to say the sum is greater than it's parts.

It's worth a listen. Links are provided to all of the original videos as an overlay when you click 'Credits'. Some of the original videos are amazing on their own, and some, I feel, should feel lucky to have actually been turned into something unique and interesting.

I will, however, leave the ethical judgment up to you. My opinion is my opinion. Either way, I'm hoping that even if you don't necessarily approve of the methods, the end result is spectacular.

Coraline

Here's another film adaptation, this time, Neil Gaiman's great little book for 'kids', Coraline.

The book in this case was excellent, creepy and filled with imagery frightening even to adults. I enjoyed reading it years ago, but decided that it would be best to put off reading it to my children until they were a little older. I loved the book, as I love so much of his writing. My only real complaint would be the lack of a clear cut message. I mean, I understand that it is 'be careful what you wish for', I suppose, but at the same time, I never felt like anyone truly learned anything in the end...

much the same in the film. We'll get to that, however.

The movie adaptation has some excellent qualities, not the least of which is the incredible stop motion animation, brilliant art direction and use of color saturation. I'm sure all of this goes without saying if you've at least seen the trailers or a commercial in passing. It is nothing short of breathtaking to see something that seems so... flawless, yet perfectly flawed. My only regret was that I didn't see it in 3D.

The voice acting is good, but really, didn't exactly leap out at all.

Overall the story presented is fairly accurate to the original. The only glaring difference is that they felt watching a little girl wander around by herself might not translate well on screen, so they created an extra character for her to interact with: "Wybie". This was done quite skillfully, to the point that I actually had to think hard about whether he was in the original story or not.

In the end, I think it's a great movie for both kids and adults, and definitely worth the watch. A word of warning though, even with the bright colors and seemingly upbeat nature found in the ads, this is still a some what dark story. My youngest daughter spent most of that last half of the movie wrapped entirely around my arm, and she's seven. My nine year old girl seemed to handle it well enough.

Found: Stuff

Hello there random ancient off-brand scanner and bucket of kitty litter... what are you doing here?

Seriously, what gives?

F. Stephen Kirschbaum
Sent from my BlackBerry device.

Watchmen

I'm not even going to comment on how long it has been since I posted. Just accept I don't post as much as I used to.

Watchmen. I read most of the series when I was younger. Admittedly, I think I was much too young to really 'get it', though it stuck with me. I never got around to finishing. My copy of the original graphic novel was loaned out a very long time ago (which is why I didn't finish it), but the wonder of the internet allowed me to finally read about how the whole thing ends.

The film is unbelievable. I can understand some of the criticism that it's not so much a creative adaptation of the comic, but rather a nearly shot for shot transfer from panel to screen. I can understand, too, why people are saying that it will be, for those who haven't read it, somewhat difficult to follow, like this sentence. I don't think, though, that these things make it bad movie, just a movie that isn't for everyone.

This is a visceral film, I would put it high up in the list of bloodiest movies I've ever seen. The action throughout is intense. The fight sequences are fast, powerful, and performed extremely well.

The characters are cast nearly perfectly, and for the most part, the acting is nothing short of stellar. Jeffry Dean Morgan's (The Comedian) acting in the opening scene is nothing short of amazing, the fact that throughout a stunning fight scene, he shows a range of emotions that are both real and intense, yet subtle. With a simple twinge of his face, you see his fear, and I mean the real, primal, uncontrollable sort of fear that seems like it could only come from acceptance of your doomed fate.

The only weak link is Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre II). To me, she stands out as nothing more than a pretty face that looks like her character. While everyone around her seems to emote, showing depth to their characters, she falls completely flat to me. I couldn't buy what she was trying to sell.

I don't think the effects need much comment, really, you've seen the trailers, you had to have heard how much money is behind this project and the people involved. They are nothing short of amazing, as you would expect.

The incorporation of pop culture and news elements really help to create this as a cohesive package. While I felt a little overwhelmed with some of music, most of it was well placed and transports into their alternate 1985, recalling memories of the Nixon-free version we all experienced.

The ending of the film is different from the comic, some people seem really upset about this. I was aware of the ending of the book, but, I have to say that I am pleased with the way they ended the movie. I don't want to give anything away for anyone who doesn't know, but for me, the new ending makes a lot more sense to me.

I recommend this movie. There are flaws, but to me they are minor. This is as close as you can get to a perfect adaptation as you can get. Some people will love it, some will hate it, but I think it's still worth seeing.

(I'm sorry, I got a little rambley at the end there.)

I've been busy, so instead of posting real things...

I'm going to just post random Google Chat conversations I've had. With Mike. I do this because I think we're quite funny, and I feel it's a shame not to share our comedic genius with the world. For your viewing pleasure....

Today, I'll be posting from a conversation from November 10th, 2008. This is near the end of the conversation:

10:13 AM me: Eat my penis.

10:14 AM Michael: I will not.

10:17 AM I think I suffer from a type of synesthesia. Not synesthesia really by definition, but I find myself confusing certain numbers with certain letters a lot.

me: Are you being serious?

Michael: Like 2 = D in my brain for some reason.

And 9 = F.

me: Interesting.

10:18 AM Michael: More irritating than anything. Especially when trying to remember a hex code for more than B seconds.

10:19 AM me: rim shot.

Michael: I know. I liked that last part. Still true, though.

me: Indeed

well then. With that said...

I think I'm gonna run to the bank before I have to go get my oil changed.

10:20 AM Michael: Wuss.

me: I wonder if they have the wifis.... I have to sit in the waiting room because there's no place to go... so I'm toting the 'top

gonna work on the website a majigger.

Michael: Doubtful, but you could always rock the offline shit. Make up some web templates or what has you.

10:21 AM me: Indeed.

That's my plan...

I'm just keeping some hope alive for WiFis

they have it at the strangest places now.

Midas has it now, I think.

Michael: Weird.

me: Ineed.

deed

Michael: eed

me: fluffel

Michael: ed

d

10:22 AM me: Alright, my appointments at IR:EF, so I

should get running...

10:24 AM Michael: Don't make fun of my disability, ass.

Talk to you later.

me: Don't have a funny disability...

later.

While that's quite amusing, here also a median part of a conversation from December 11th, 2008:

10:20 AM

Michael: I've coughed up 8oz of snot today and spit out 6oz.

10:21 AM me: How are you measuring this?

Michael: In units.

10:22 AM me: With what method are you taking your measurements?

10:23 AM Michael: With a unitogramer.

me: That's not a word, or a thing that exists.

Michael: until I invented both.

10:24 AM me: You have not.

The word, perhaps, the item itself has not been invented.

You might say it was conceptualized, perhaps.

10:25 AM Michael: You don't know the things that I do.

me: I have a fair idea based on the evidence.

10:26 AM And historical data.

And of course here we have this treasure from January 8, 2009 :

9:33 AM me: Is Halo really that different than Opium and Absinthe?

I mean, really?

Michael: I would not equate Halo's multiplayer to an extremely potent, smokeable pain-killer, no.

9:34 AM me: Really?

I would.

9:35 AM I mean, both are methods of escape and involve transporting yourself into a new realm of reality...

Michael: Yeah, but you're disturbed.

9:36 AM A tiny, white, plastic baby Jesus appeared on my desk today.

9:37 AM me: Well, that's interesting.

9:38 AM Was there a note attached, or... did it talk to you at all?

Michael: Nope. It's about an inch and a half long. Unpainted, white plastic. No moving parts. No note attached.

me: It'd be great if that was actually how Mexicans fired you. *It is worth noting that Michael works for a company run almost entirely by Mexicans, so, this statement is less random, and racist, than it might seem on the surface.

Michael: I agree.

9:39 AM To be honest, I'm not sure it's Jesus. It's definitely a naked boy holding some type of cup or chalice, though.

me: Please sir, you must send me an image of this.

9:40 AM I need a visual reference.

Also, try to place it around where it was found...

But try not to touch it too much, forensic analysis might be necessary. (Within a few minutes, I received these images from Mike in an email entitled "Mini God" with body text of "For your consideration."

10 minutes

9:51 AM me: Holy hell that thing is tiny.

What the shit?

I don't know about it being Jesus, though...

9:52 AM It's creepy for damn sure.

Michael: It could be an altar boy or something. Like the kid who hands out the wine during communion, but the nudity confounds me.

9:53 AM me: Everything about it is confounding.

Michael: Like why isn't it wearing a hat?

9:54 AM me: Not the first question that comes to mind, no...

9:55 AM Perhaps... what the holy fuck is a naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy doing on your desk this morning?

9:56 AM Michael: A different point of view, sure.

I look at it as..."What luck! A naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy is on my desk this morning!"

9:57 AM me: Where does luck enter into the equation?

9:58 AM Michael: Nobody else had a naked, cup holding, tiny plastic boy on their desks this morning.

me: Still not following the logic?

Michael: Those are 1:20 odds, sir.

Roughly.

me: 1:20?

Can you show your work on this one, sir?

9:59 AM Michael: I am the one. There are maybe a total of 20 desks in this office.

I haven't counted, but it's a rough estimate.

10:00 AM me: I don't think you're doing it right.

Michael: Ok...you obviously use a different system of math than I do, but I'll let it go.

me: That's based on the idea that there's a 100% chance that one desk will contain a naked plastic boy in the morning.

Michael: Correct.

10:01 AM Of all the people in the office (20), I was the (1) to receive the naked plastic toy.

10:02 AM The odds of it happening on any given morning to anyone are incalculable.

me: Right, however, the odds are significantly less when you consider that of all the days you've come into the work, this is the first time there's been such an item, and likely first time at all in the office.

Michael: Right.

But you could expand that even further, if you wish, to include all offices and all days throughout history.

Or at least throughout my history of being in an office.

not necessarily this one.

10:03 AM me: Right, but still... I think calling this happening a 1:20 event is a little silly.

Sure, if there was a 100% chance that there was going to be said item on a desk today, then it would be 1:20 give or take...

but you can't say for certainty that there was a 100% chance of it happening in the first place.

Michael: If you accept the reality that a plastic toy was going to mysteriously appear in this office on this day on one person's desk, my math is dead on.

10:04 AM me: Making your odds much greater.

Michael: Well, you can say that with a 100% certainty because it did in fact happen.

me: It's also not dead on until you've counted the desks.

Michael: Hypothetically, I mean.

me: You cannot say for 100%, how would you account for it being there.. what if it fell from a cleaning lady's pocket?

what are the odds of that happening in the first place?

10:05 AM and it landing on a desk?

Michael: Because it, in fact, did happen.

It's history at this point.

I'm not judging the odds of it happening tomorrow.

Although, I can make sure they're 1:1.

me: That's idiotic.

10:06 AM That's like saying someone who won the lottery had a 100% chance of doing so because of the numbers chosen.

Michael: No.

me: Yes.

Michael: My point is that you have to factor in it happening today to make calculating odds even possible.

me: It's history.

It happened.

Michael: You can take odds on a sporting event because it's scheduled.

10:07 AM You can't take odds on the San Diego Vaginas beating the West Hartford Cocksuckers in a world series because it's not a scheduled event.

10:08 AM me: That's not right at all...

you can do that, however, the odds are very very slim

Michael: They're zero because those teams don't exist. But they could in the future, but there's no way to calculate odds on that.

10:09 AM Not even broadly.

me: You'd need to factor the possibility that two teams would be formed, and those names chosen, and they being picked by the MLB and then winning their respective divisions.

It's less likely than everyone in the united states winning the lottery, even without buying tickets, but it's still a possible outcome.

10:10 AM Michael: No, because the lottery is a scheduled event. It happens. It's known to happen. It will happen in the future.

That's my point.

The event will happen.

My body is rejecting more eggs. I'll be back eventually.

10:11 AM me: Sure.

But you're wrong about calculating odds for unscheduled and unlikely events.

Jut because there are a lot of factors involved, and because the odds are long, it doesn't mean it's impossible.

10:12 AM This event is a perfect example, just because the baby appeared there doesn't mean that it would have appeared there no matter what, there have to be tons of factors that go into that.

10:15 AM Unless whoever left it there meant to put it your desk, then your 1:20 goes all to hell, it would be 1:1.

6 minutes

10:21 AM Michael: I made poop.

10:22 AM me: Hooray!

10:23 AM This calls for a celebration.

What size Lincoln bear and hat do you wear?

10:24 AM Michael: I don't know what those things are...

10:25 AM me: You know, a stovepipe hat and one of them chin beard things...

Michael: Oh. you wrote bear.

Not beard.

a 2.

10:26 AM me: Gotcha.

We'll have a hell of a time!

10:28 AM Oh, and we'll need some sort of sexy lingerie.

Michael: I'm starting to feel less comfortable with this plan.

10:29 AM me: Really?

Seems awesome.

10:33 AM We're also going to need some mineral oil.

10:34 AM And a box of q-tips

Michael: I'm back on board.

10:35 AM me: Hooray again!

So, what silly things do they have you working on today?

10:36 AM Michael: Building a rotating Flash banner for the cover page of e-counters.

Arnold asked me to do it starting yesterday and said. "So, how long on this one, 3 hours?"

I said, "To design it, about 4 hours."

10:37 AM "You have to design it?"

"Um.....yes."

me: lol

10:38 AM As if you just have to click a few keys and BLAM! Bannered!

Michael: Right.

10:39 AM I think most of these idiot programmers think that you're supposed to design shit within dreamweaver or flash. I use the entire fucking suite to design things, then put it all together in flash or dreamweaver.

10:40 AM me: Right.

5 minutes

10:45 AM me: Ever eaten Shark Penis?

10:46 AM Michael: Dead or living?

me: Either.

10:48 AM Michael: No.

10:49 AM me: I enjoy doing that too...

When someone asks me a question, and the answer is no, having them specify something, even though it doesn't change the result.

Did you put such and such away?

When, yesterday, or today?

Either.

No.

10:50 AM Michael: Well, it seems prudent to make sure that you understand exactly what's being asked, regardless if changing the details of the question will affect your answer.

me: Not really, but we'll run with it.

10:51 AM Michael: Yes-huh. There could be other factors.

10:52 AM For instance, if you meant dead shark penis, then that's a fairly unthreatening question.

If you meant living, you might have something nefarious planned.

me: And if I'd said San Jose Shark Penis?

10:53 AM Michael: Well, I'd just assume you meant living in that case. And the answer would have been, "I don't think so."

me: Is there really a chance that you might have, but your

10:54 AM you're not recalling it?

Michael: I mean that I don't ask for ID on every penis I eat.

me: How many penii have you eaten, sir?

Michael: And even if I did, I don't know the entire SJ Shark roster by heart.

None.

10:55 AM me: So, you have eaten no penises ever?

10:57 AM Michael: None that I'm aware of.

me: Because then your answer should have been no, and you should not have mentioned whether you id the people whose penises you eat....

Michael: All my statements were true.

10:58 AM "I don't think so" might not be the most appropriate answer, but it is true and valid.

me: In this case, it really would be better just to answer in the negative outright.

10:59 AM Michael: Perhaps.

But this conversation, or at least this portion of it, would have ended long ago. And mpr is kinda boring at the moment.

11:00 AM me: Ahh, well, there'd be other conversations to be had, I'm sure.

11:03 AM Michael: I wasn't prepared to take that chance.

me: I see.

Always playing the safe bet.

11:04 AM So, there's one thing I hate about Fallout 3... which is that I can't kill kids.

11:05 AM Michael: Hm.

See? That was my fear.

me: I mean, you could be a baddest dude in the world, but you cannot take down a child...

unless, in the future, children have magic forcefields.

And, what was your fear exactly.

11:07 AM Michael: That ending the previous thread of conversation would lead to you beginning a new one wherein you divulge some information about yourself that might horrify me and give me cause to keep you separate from my child.

11:08 AM me: Hmm, that seems like a rash decision.

I'm commenting on a gameplay mechanic in Fallout 3... not real world issues.

Besides, I know I could kill kids in the real world.

11:10 AM Michael: Perhaps rash, but when a perceived possibility is the early death of my only child, one that I've grown fond of, I'll again take the safe bet.

11:11 AM me: Following that logic, you two should be a in a sealed bunker, and she should be in a bubble of some type.

There are tons of threats to your child's life on a daily basis.

Michael: How'd you find out about my bubble-bunker?

11:13 AM me: Informed guessing.

Michael: Right, but again. I'm judging probabilities. And when someone expresses an interest in causing the death of children, I perceive that threat as a higher probability than say, ape mauling.

I think it's funny when people on a Live Chat sign off as if it were an e-mail.

11:14 AM me: I have no interest in killing children, real or otherwise, I'm just irritated that this game doesn't allow it.

Michael: "Casey Green: Thanks,
Casey Green: Casey Green
Casey Green: Lawrence KS"

11:16 AM Also, you didn't specify whether the children you weren't allowed to kill were in the game or in reality. Only that the game prevented you from doing so.

me: This is true, but more of a failing on your part to accurately infer an old friend's intentions

11:17 AM Michael: I do like the idea of Fallout 3 forbidding or preventing you from killing real, corporeal children.

11:18 AM me: Yeah, I suppose.

But what if those children are dicks that deserve death?

11:19 AM Like that kid from that movie that one time...

11:20 AM Michael: I didn't mean that I like that it does it. I meant that I like the idea of a video game somehow preventing you from doing something in reality. Also, those kids are dicks and do deserve whatever gruesome fate that have coming to them.

5 minutes

11:25 AM me: Well, I'll be back...

43 minutes

12:08 PM me: So, I was thinking about murdering children in the shower...

Michael: As a good serial killer would.

12:09 PM me: and I was realizing that I've still only got a single digit record.

I'm thinking I really need to step things up.

You know what I mean?

Michael: Absolutely.

Let the carnage rain down.

12:11 PM me: So, it then occurred to me that I'll have a whole slew of little ones very nearby this weekend.

It's like providence.

12:12 PM Of course, that goes against all the ways that I've strived for years to not be caught.

Half of them haven't even been reported missing I'm so good.

Michael: Half of one?

12:13 PM That's disconcerting.

Oh, wait. Single digit.

Not single victim.

me: Right.

Thatis a funny imagine though...

12:14 PM image

half a corpse.

no cops.

everything is fine.

12:15 PM Still, to keep from having half of them reported missing, can you imagine building a fake school and hiring a huge staff to convince parents that the kids are still there, through letters and other things.

Then, after doing this for a while, torch the school and 'oops accident'.

Michael: I can, but will not.

12:16 PM me: why not.

this could work..

let's do it.

oh.

http://www.twotwentythree.com/ave13/location.html

the hardest part is cutting out the damn images.

12:19 PM And it was all that difficult at all, which is what I'm trying to illustrate here.

Michael: um......okay?

12:20 PM You took kind of a hard right there.

me: What, stepping away from child serial killer to two|TWENTYTHREE?

Michael: yes

12:21 PM me: Well, that was being silly, this is not... as much .

I apologize, I didn't realize that thread of conversation had you so riveted and intrigued.

We can go back, if you'd like.

12:22 PM Michael: Have you been recently checked for symptoms of mental retardation?

me: No. Why would you ask?

Michael: Just a routine check.

12:23 PM

me: Ahh, I see.

12:25 PM Alright, well, I'm off to work.

Michael: Enjoy

me: I will not.

I will however speak with you I deem it convenient.

12:26 PM Michael: Enjoy

me: No, you enjoy!