something just for you

the subject doesnt matter... the matter is that i am reaching a milestone in my life and feel completely incomplete. my self worth seems null, and i don't really understand what is getting me by from day to day. empty. this shell seems to move autonomous, without any real direction. where the fuck am i going? am i just along for the ride.

my favortie season is here, and parts of me awake ... even if for just a glimmer ... to enjoy it, but still i am lost. i feel like i need someone, but more and more i feel there is no one, and they definitely aren't just coming to me. but i know the heartache that comes along with them, because it never just works.

there is music inside but its faint, and somber. what must i do to get this heart to feel. if i my life were an album, is this the silence before the hidden track at the end? am i waiting for a new release. is the b to c in the movie i'm in?

"there are no flowers, no not this time ... i'd show a smile but im too weak i'd share with you could i only speak just how much this hurts me...."

what can i say... it's not so much that i'm a hopeless romantic, i'm just hopeless. helpless.

close your eyes and say those words, no one believes you, but say them anyway. clear the soul, empty the slate, make it your own. you know what you feel, you know what you are, and no one can take that away, whatever they see with their eyes. and they can never see themselves through yours.

play it back.

sometimes i feel...

you make me feel so worthless.

perhaps it's because i am.

you make the point so clear, some days it feels like it can't get any worse. but it will.

it always does... always has.

i gave everything i had and more. i fought and tried and bled and hurt and never once got anything in return. now that it's over there isn't anything left for me to give but somehow i want to try.

bruised and broken. lie on the floor and let the darkness wash over.

scream until the raw taste of blood. scream until the only sound i make is the air being pushed out of my lungs. somehow tomorrow i have to wake up again.

sometimes i wake up and think, 'today is the day... the day where the struggle ends." it's a dream, there is no up hill... it's not a matter of battling up the hill, but fighting fast i slide down. i don't expect to hit the bottom... there isn't one.

sometimes i wake up and think, 'today is the day... the day where the struggle ends." it's a dream, there is no up hill... it's not a matter of battling up the hill, but fighting fast i slide down. i don't expect to hit the bottom... there isn't one.

could it be that there is no one out there to save me?