Some sad news...

Well, sad for me anyway...

Two retailers, Circuit City and CompUSA, are closing a slew of stores. Circuit City is apparently shutting down a small handful of stores in the U.S. and dumping a slew of their outfits in Canada.

CompUSA, however, has announced that it's shutting down over half of their operation. Of 225 stores, they are shutting down 126, going to under 100 stores left in operation.

Why is this sad? Well, I couldn't give two shits about Circuit City, having worked for Ultimate Electronics, I've known my share of those that jumped ship from Circuit during their switch from commissioned to non-commissioned sales. No, my sorrow comes from the fact that the CompUSA stores here in Minnesota are shutting down, specifically, store #787. My store.

No, I don't work there now, and actually haven't worked there since the latter half of 2002, but, I was the Front End Manager there for a long time, before one of their management restructures left me with a hard decision: Keep doing the same job at reduced pay, or move on.

I chose to move on. I won't say I haven't regretted that decision from time to time, because, in all honesty, I really miss working there. But, I know it was the right choice, they've gone through a lot of hard times. The entire retail world has gone through hard times, of course. It's funny how few people, even those that have actually worked in retail during their lives, really know how hard retail operations are.

It's just a little sad to think that my store, my first stint in retail management, is going to be gone. Just like that. I had a lot of good times there... and I'm not afraid to admit that I had some INCREDIBLE times in the training center there... of course, it's not appropriate to discuss that...

I started there while I was in high school as a cashier, and within a month had gotten my first promotion. I had a lot of pride while working there. I still have many of my work shirts, the red one's from before I was a manager (even my "Ask me about Windows 98!" shirt), and my white management shirts. I've also still got my original white name tags with the Brother P-Touch labels, and my gold "Certified" name tags, my named stamped into them 'professionally'.

It's funny how certain things will make a person nostalgic. Hearing this news definitely stirred a twinge of sadness. My loyalty to CompUSA has never wavered, because, if not for the aforementioned reasons for leaving, I'd likely still be there. A lifer.

"Everyday's a good day at CompUSA." We'd say it when things were good. We'd say it when things were rough. It's always stuck with me, even though I haven't worked anywhere since with a name that rhymed so well with "day".

Goodbye Minnetonka Store 787, I shall miss you.

The Snow's Flying!

First, some music...

I realize that I really haven't been talking about music much lately, which is unfortunate, but, let me remedy that right now:

Franky Lee

Amazing sounds from an amazing band. I'm not sure how Sweden manages to produce such great punk rock, but they do. Here we have Franky Lee, the product of drunken musings that often befall band members. It's like so many other idle suggestions, "Hey, we should really do [insert usually dumb idea here]". However, in this case, some guys in Sweden, headlined by a man who's name I won't even try an type (it involves characters that aren't found on my keyboard...) who played for the incredible Millencollin, they went to the studio, apparently for gits and shiggles, and what came out was nothing short of a miracle. Goodness!

They are amazing. Now they just need to get a label in the U.S. and we'll be in business.

You can check out their myspace page, 'cause it's got some music on it... and that's a very good thing. Check 'em out!

The Creepshow

Another odd thing, Canada is giving us Psychobilly? Well, maybe not quite Psychobilly, rockabilly is a bit more accurate, but, really, they sing about Zombies and things, which, is just awesome. Best of all, The Creepshow is headlined by a chick! A HOT CHICK!

Check em out, they have the typical myspace thing going on! Good stuff!


Walking Robots? Pshhhh aww!

No really, this is actually quite an accomplishment, it's capable of dynamically walking, like real people, not like pre-programmed bots such as Asimo. Read this guy's blog about Dexter Walking.



I've got more...

but not the time...

I'll be back...

Something to Tide Myself Over...

The Black Donnellys

This show was incredible. I probably wouldn't have watched it had it not directly followed my favorite show, Heroes (which was amazing last night), but, being that it's done by the guy behind Crash and Million Dollar Baby, it's got potential just oozing from it.

I'm not sure if they'll run an encore, but I imagine they will, so if you didn't see it, watch NBC's listings so you can check it out. Otherwise, take advantage of the great interwebs and watch the entire episode on NBC.com. Isn't the modern era grand?


flOw

I mentioned this to a lot of people quite a while ago, but, this game is pretty amazing. It was originally done as part of thesis research into what makes games worth playing.

It came out for PC for free back in April, 2006. Apparently they've released a downloadable version for the PS3. If you've not had a chance, check it out. While there isn't an enormous amount of gameplay, it's still worth a few hours of enjoyment.

PC Website | PS3 Website

Where I was Born...

In pictures.

Doesn't exactly bring back memories, but, it's still interesting to see pictures of Monterey. It's been, we'll say, awhile since I was there.


Hilarious?

Yes! Though, it ends rather abrubtly... North Korean James Bond FTW!




Sloths!

I really don't like SNL all that much... but, they're good enough to release the few funny bits they do on YouTube...





That's it for now folks... see you next time...

HA HA Snow...

Proof that Mother Nature hates me:

Wherein I Review Several Movies

Alright, so, call it a rainy day thing... or really, just call it the fact that snow continues to fall unabated. Since I didn't get to go out for my birthday tonight like I'd planned, I instead decided to get caught up on a couple of movies I'd been meaning to see.

I would like to point out that Filmspot.com is still in beta, and it's painfully obvious why after tonight. I attempted to post quite a few reviews, and was met with a great deal of resistance by their system. Apart from the fact that no matter what you do, it will mangle your formatting the first time you submit, it also seems that with The Number 23 and Curse of the Golden Flower, when I attempted to 'fix' said formatting, I ended up resubmitting it. (Esp. No. 23, which I now have FOUR reviews posted for, because no matter what I did, it kept reformatting it the same way, even with up to 8 forced line breaks.) The odd thing is that I've never had this problem on GameSpot, and it seems like they use the same system.

Oh well, as long as I don't get in trouble for 'spamming', because it was unintentional.

Anyway, here goes...


The Number 23

I'm going to be as kind as possible, because I had high hopes for this. High hopes that were dashed.

First, a little background. My birthday is February 23rd, so, you may be able to understand that I saw this and thought, "perhaps it is fate."

To say this movie is bad doesn't do bad movies justice. I mean, House of the Dead was bad, but this movie is bad on a whole other level.

The movie is about obsession over the number 23, but the problem is that, for the most part, it's all just a ridiculous series of coincidences. Coincidences that start from the opening, and continue all throughout. Honestly, it's like 'The DaVinci Code for Dummies'.

You hope, when you figure out what the twist is going to be, that you're wrong. You really hope that something amazing happens to tie it all up, but, then, when it turns out the thing you've been fearing happens. That's when you want to throw things at the screen. It's when they proceed to try and justify it, that's when things get really bad, because, no matter how hard you try, you cannot justify this.

It's unjustifiable.

I will say that I love Carrey in a movie where he's just flailing around like a lunatic. Truly, that sort of humor lost it's luster when I was 12, and, honestly, even though the movie itself isn't great, Carrey gives a fairly solid performance.

I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie to anyone. It's just not good.

I don't mean that it's the worst movie I've ever seen, I have honestly seen far more horrific ventures in film making, but, do yourself a favor and avoid this one.

Unless you really enjoy terrible movies.

FilmSpot | IMDB | Wikipedia

Curse of the Golden Flower

Curse of the Golden Flower is a little bit different than any of the previous 'Asian Cinema' movies that I've seen, but not substantially.

It is, in every way, an incredible piece of filmmaking. From the moment the film starts, you are accosted with over-saturated colors and a plethora extremely well choreographed movement. The most noticeable thing all throughout is the wardrobe, which is phenomenal, and the set design and construction, which is amazing.

Understand that it takes quite a bit for someone like myself to use words like phenomenal and amazing.

Beyond the visuals, which make up a majority of the films strong points, there's also the incredible 'fight scenes', which are, in no uncertain terms, as amazing as you'd expect from a film of this type. The only problem is that there's not nearly enough of them for the first 3/4 of the film, no, the story is what dominates.

The story, however, is another 'story' entirely. It's in depth and rich, but, I feel gets lost slightly in 'translation'. It's hard to watch, truly, because so much of the story requires you to set aside your concepts of 'normal' culture and society. It's also very slow going, and I feel that much of the story is withheld from us for far too long, until the end, when everything is 'revealed'.

The epic battle at the end makes the entire thing worthwhile, though.

FilmSpot | IMDB | Wikipedia

Eragon

I've not been more upset with a book to film adaptation than with this movie. It's awful.

I try hard, when I go to see remakes and adaptations of things that I've enjoyed previously, to go into it with 'fresh eyes', as if I'm watching something new.

I couldn't manage this, however, for Eragon. I will say that I've read the first two books from Pauolini, and enjoyed them immensely, even if they were rather verbose, and did borrow liberally from several fine fantasy works.

Paoulini is very visual with his descriptions of characters and actions so that you cannot read Eragon and Eldest without having incredibly accurate images all throughout, and, having read the story so thoroughly, my visual images are very vivid.

So, it is with great frustration that I see so many liberties were taken in the casting and reproduction of the characters. Esepcially given the amount of money they used in the creation of the dragons, it seems impossible that they could not have done more with the other 'non-human' creations. As an example, the Urgals, which are described as creatures with with horns and greyish skin, are in the film, merely filthy looking men.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the movie isn't visually compelling. Saphira is amazing, the sound is astounding, and the effects of the magic are impeccable.

The most frustrating thing about the entire film, though, is that they use so many ridiculous plot devices to cram a 550 page book into an hour and a half. An example comes at the very beginning, where the extremely young Saphira is first learning to fly, she soars into the air and through heavy clouds, his apparently hit by lightning and suddenly grows about 5 times her size... something that took a while to happen in the book, and, frankly doesn't make a lot of sense, even if you've never read it.

The other issue that effects my enjoyment is that very little character development. The plain truth is that there's no way to fit this book into an hour and a half. It just doesn't work!

Now, I have to apologize that I've given this review based on reading the books, but, I can't find any other way.

So, the sum of everything? If you've read the books, it's best to avoid the film. If not, well, it's not so bad.

But, you'd do better by reading the books...

Filmspot | IMDB | Wikipedia

BIRTHDAY

Yep, it's my birthday, and so far it's going just fine!

I did want to point something out though, because, and this makes me laugh, I don't understand why it is that people always ask you what you're doing for your birthday.

It's always nothing, I mean, people ask this question, and then stare at your raptly, as if you're about to tell them, "this year, for my birthday, I'm going to sprout wings and fly to Berlin so that I can assassinate my evil doppelganger once and for all!"

Here's what I do for my birthday: I will go out with a few friends and get some drinks. Here's what I do a solid majority of Friday nights out of the years: I will go out with some friends and get some drinks. It's not special, it's not different, it's just stuff that I do.

Usually, I will turn the question around, "What do you do for your birthday every year?"

The usual reply? "Nothing."

I mean, I understand that when you're a kid, the answer might be, "bowling, or Chuck E. Cheese's", because these things are different than what most kids do on a regular basis. But, I don't know of many adults that are over 21 who make huge plans for their birthdays.

It's a silly question.

Over the last week, only one person has asked the right question: "So, doing anything special for your birthday?"

Now... was that so hard?


Google is closer than ever to taking over the world.

Google, a company that I think is doing almost everything right, has officially released Google Apps Premier Edition. As a part of the Gmail beta from the beginning, I enjoyed checking my email and finding they'd added new features and functionality. And now, being the Gmail is probably the largest Beta Test of all time, a lot of people are already familiar with it. This, I think, was google's plan all along.

When you use Gmail, there's a series of links at the top, they are:



This is, in essence, what Google Apps Premier Edition is.

You'll see that this is the core of all business productivity. You've got your email, your calender, your document and spreadsheets, and, image management. All of this is collaborative, and you can communicate in real time with anyone who uses the same services.

This is not what I would call an MS Office killer, but, I will call it a solid competitor, that's for damn sure. It's aimed toward business users.

Here's the deal, at it's core, you've got an email system with inline instant messaging. You've got a calender that can be synchronized between multiple users, or ALL users, and each user can have multiple calenders. This means that if you have a project with a specific schedule, the info on that schedule can be shared with all members of the team, but, does not need to be shared outside of the team.

The next function is Docs & Spreadsheets. It is a word processor and spreadsheet application that allows you to store your files online, you can make anything public, or shareable with specific people, making collaboration easy and quick. It has all the functions of basic editing, and it allows you to open office, openoffice.org docs, as well as save them in formats that can be read by anyone, or just a pdf. It's pretty powerful, and works really well.

In addition to these, you also get a website solution allowing you to build a website quickly and easily, and you can register your domain name to be used with Gmail, so that it is USER@YOURDOMAIN.com.

Of course, you also get Google's powerful search engine. You can find anything, anywhere, just by typing in a few words and pressing enter.

For businesses and enterprises, you get 10GB of storage per account, for schools and personal, you get 2GB. The cost per account is $50 for businesses, free for non-profit / personal.

Let's look at that cost. If I'm not mistaken, the least expensive business license for office is over $200 per machine, and that doesn't include exchange servers, web development etc... that's a huge savings.

Now, since I've been using these features for a while now, I can say that it's all a very tight package, and it seems like a great opportunity, especially for small businesses, to be able to get things done for less.

Google has gone on record as saying that they aren't trying to replace office, just augment it. But, I can't see many companies using both. Really, I think this is just another of the many steps Google is taking in supplanting themselves into every facet of human life on the planet.

The New York Times has a pretty decent article about it here. Check it out.


Xerox gives us more...

If you were alive during the mid 80's, or, have ever shopped in a modern retailer, you might be familiar with thermal paper. It's specially treated paper that prints without ink. The good: you don't replace ink. The bad: the paper is somewhat more expensive, and, over time, the information can fade.

Xerox has been focus on that last 'bad' part. They have developed and inkless printing system with information that fades so that the paper can be reused over and over.

The concept is interesting. People don't like to read extremely long documents on a computer screen. It's just not comfortable, so, most of the time, people will just print out anything that's over a few pages long. Then they throw it away.

This paper is geared toward that end. What if you didn't just throw the paper away?

It's another step toward the idea of a 'paperless' office. Something that will probably never come to be, but, if we can 'reduce' the amount of paper that's being used, that's a positive, right?

The paper uses UV to print, then, over a period of about 24 hours, the paper is blank and can be printed to again. They've been able to reprint up to 50 times on a single sheet.

It's interesting, and, if they can balance out the cost, it will be very useful.

Check out an article here.


Meetings Make Us Dumber...

According to MSNBC, a study was just completed that says that meetings make us 'dumber'. More accurately, it says that creativity is stifled and mob mentality reigns.

Well fucking DUH!

Of course, don't tell the Japanese, whose current culture actually revolves around 'mod mentality'...


That's it for now...

See ya next time!

T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!

Just wanted to post something quick about the new TMNT Game coming out... Tim told me about it, and I have to say that he's right... it's pretty cool.

I downloaded and tried the demo today, and, it's actually pretty slick. Here's the skinny: It's a 3D platformer, with elements of the 'Prince of Persia'.

The game is made by Ubisoft, and it's based on the current franchise (more the mirage comics version than the original campy cartoon version). The demo is pretty limited, you start out on the first level, which is basically just a tutorial, but, not only do you apparently only get this first level, it's also time limited to about 6 minutes.

I'm not sure why they would also put a time limit in. But, I suppose to each their own.

The graphics are solid for a platformer, and it supports my 16:10 (1680x1050), which is good. The colors are pretty well balanced, and the special effects are pretty. There's not a lot of 'realism' involved, in that, you feel like you're playing a cartoon.

With that said, there are some problems that I observed. First of all, it's on rails. That is, it's got a fixed camera system, which follows your character at an overhead, slight isometric view. This wouldn't be an issue except that there's an odd habit of the camera settling at a 45-degree angle, yet you only get 90-degree controls.

The other issue that I ran into is that the controls seems to lag a bit behind. You press a key and then a moment later your character reacts. It's not terrible, but, not as responsive as you like. The fighting controls are pretty limited too, you get to press a button, keep pressing it to make things happen. Overall though, these things might be related to playing the game on the keyboard, I have no doubt the controls will feel better on the console version.

Last thing I can mention is the actual 'Prince of Persia' type effects. You get to do double jumps and slight wall climb / hangs, but, considering it's Ubisoft, they didn't really do that great of a job implementing it. It's a little disappointing.

There was one other thing that really irked me. This demo is set up to play nicely with Windows Vista. When it launches, it shuts down the Windows Sidebar, and I'm guessing the Media Center. I guess that because, while it wasn't running before I launch the game, but for whatever reason, when I quit the game, up comes Media Center. Just a little annoying.

Overall, I would say that I'm willing to play the game, but I'll be waiting a couple months until it hits the bargain bins... it won't be long I'm sure.

What Can I Say?

Acutally, quite a bit...

First, Birthday Countdown Hits Critical!

I would like to take a moment to explain how things work. First of all, as few of you are aware, my day job is in retail management, which means that once in a while I need to close my store, and I work every other weekend. I have my daughters Monday through Friday, my ex-wife takes them on Thursday evenings, which is the night I have chosen to close, Friday night I drive them back to their Mom's place which is about 45 min. from here.

So, with my birthday on Friday, and my daughters wanting to have a party, we were forced to have a small family get together tonight.

We met at my Grandmother's apartment in Anoka, which is right across the river from where I live. It was nothing fancy, just cake and a few presents. I've already gotten my present from me mum and gramma, which is the Coffee Maker I showed you a short time ago. My daughters both used their own money and bought me a bag of Easter Kit-Kats and a Stewie Griffin Bendable Keychain, my ex-wife chipped in and got me a $10 gift card to Target, and had the girls sign their names to it.

The highlight, however, was the cake that my Mom helped the girls make for me:


mmmm CAEK!!! CAEK! CAEK!!!!!

I really don't 'celebrate' my birthday much anymore, having long since reached that age of 'not caring' much. But, I'm not opposed to people buying me drinks and things... because, I like drinks, and things.

Anyway, that's all I really had on that.... on to the stuff that you probably came for...


Nostalgia + Movies = x
Solve for x...

Transformers

In the vein of nostalgic, or perhaps the more acceptable term in this case would be "retro", Michael Bay's Transformers is one that I'm really looking forward to.

Here's the deal, modern CGI has come to a point that it's getting harder and harder for those of us that grew up loving some of the (frequently horribly) animated shows to not want to see them re-done in more updated beauty. It's the same with many of the old rubber monster movies of the days of yore, as witnessed with Godzilla.

However, it brings us to an age old argument: Just because a thing can be done, should it?

I've waffled a lot over the years as I've seen this done over and over again. I can't claim that I haven't watched most of the almost ludicrous number of 'remakes' that have come and flopped their way through the box office over the years. I try, generally, to go into it with a 'fresh perspective', trying hard to see the film as something NEW, if not different. This tactic has worked in most cases.

So, there's been a number of 'unauthorized' photos that have cropped up on this great internet where we dwell, and, most of those have been met with a great deal of criticism. Something I'm not surprised about, when you take something that has been loved, idealized and followed by many with an almost cult like draw, of course it's going to be met with a great deal of scrutiny. The biggest complaint that I've seen is over the change of Bumblebee, who was portrayed in the original cartoon as a VW Bug, into the forthcoming 2008 Chevy Camaro. (Which is something that just pisses me off anyway, not because he should be a bug, but because, while I wasn't thrilled with Chevy's decision to drop the Camaro name, the fact that they are brining it back on the apex of the tidal wave of 'retro' vehicles drives me crazy as well... though it looks sexy as fuck... (Which makes me think... I don't talk about cars enough on here... I should fix that... like changing the name of the Ford Five-Hundred to Taurus, a brand they just dropped because it couldn't keep up... WAKE UP FORD! The sagging sales on the Five-Hundred has nothing to do with name recognition, and sticking the name of a recently decommissioned brand with sagging sales on it and calling it new is just silly... IT DOESN'T EVEN RESEMBLE A TAURUS!) ooops... sorry about that...)

Michael Bay (who's name is slathered all over this thing), has finally released an "authorized" trailer and photos, allowing us to see his 'true vision'. I have to say that I'm impressed. Although, my good friend Mike criticizes the creatures as looking too insect like, however, I am trying, again, to view them as something 'new'. An homage if you will.

I have a lot of hopes for this film, not only because I grew up watching the original show, but because Michael Bay has shown a lot of potential before now...

But, it is merely hopes that I have for now...

Mike suggested something the other day, while we were talking about this film... something about re-doing Voltron I think...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In other news of the great old cartoons, I was a huge fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid (as a matter of fact, I have a great photo of my old Guinea Pig in my Turtle Van I need to get scanned, because it's AWESOME!), and as I got older, I got into the Eastman & Laird, the original, darker and grittier, story that the late '80's 'toon was based on. Now, darker and grittier is a pretty hard to explain thing, it doesn't mean that the story was based on 'hard-ass' turtles devoid of humor who merely go around kicking ass...

The new TMNT movie is said to be based on this version, and entirely in CG.

Wow, I have such mixed opinions on this one that it's not even funny. I can tell that I'm not the only one as I cruise the webs for more info on it, but, none-the-less, that word that keeps cropping up throughout my ramblings here makes another appearance, hope.

FilmSpot.com, as well as the rest of the interwebs of trailers of both of these, so, you'd do well to check those out, because, you can only decide things for yourself.


The New 7 Wonders...

There's a 'global vote' going on right now in regards to compiling a new list of the 7 Wonders of the World. This site has all the info. The concept is simple... a list that's over 2000 years old, possibly compiled by the Greek Philo of Byzantium (for more information, check out this wiki article). It's said that Philo is not the actual creator of the list, but, either way, only one of the sites listed as the original 7 wonders of the world still stands in near it's original state, the Pyramids of Egypt.

The fact is, this is actually a huge undertaking, and it seems to be progressing globally. The idea of a global vote for a new list is excellent.... the fact that some of the 'nominees' are Christ the Redeemer, the Sydney Opera House, and the Statue of Liberty are pretty disheartening. Which is why it's actually sad... there really aren't a lot of options for 'modern wonders'.... at least not in my opinion.

However, the vote is happening, and you are welcome as a citizen of this great planet to log-in and vote for your choices.


If you're not a nerd, scroll to the next bolded headline...

This guy won the RSA's 'hacker competion, and provides a great 'play by play' on his blog. Check it out, because it's actually somewhat interesting.

Note, the competition was held at the 2007 RSA Conference and was actually called the 'Interactive Testing Challenge'.


Links from Mike...

Things that Mike sent me.... things he like so much he sent them twice in as many days...

First, Lucas Arts has released another new video for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, which shows the new physics system they have called DMM (Digital Molecular Matter). It's pretty amazing stuff, and you can check it out here at IGN.com. (Although, they have officially announced that thy will have no multi-axii control support ala WII / PS3 for Light Saber battles...)

And, this is how computers actually work. Check it out... the Japanese are great! I always suspected that my cursor was being moved by pixel sized Japanese men, but, it's nice to have that confirmation.

This dog is amazing!






and I think that's all... for now.

Of Comedy and Bars

So, I present you with the horribly unfinished work of Melissa, who, as a friend of mine, has been asking for a little help here and there with ideas for her Screen Writing class. This is a VERY PARTIAL transcript of a meeting we had at Boston's in Maple Grove the other night.

I say very partial because, well, I was a lot funnier and there was TONS more talking than this... but, she's just started really...

Anyway, she sent it to me for my perusal. She has told me on innumerable occasions that she is not a writer... and I get the impression that she actually hates the idea of writing. To each their own, I suppose.

Of course, the only real problem here is that there is ZERO embellishment. This isn't a farce of the night's conversation. She has taken portions of it and typed them verbatim rather than use them as a loose guide to create something funny.

It's not a huge surprise, she has stated emphatically that the idea of trying to write comedy scares the bejesus out of her... and, I imagine that there's been more than a few episodes of Friends / Scrubs / How I Met Your Mother that were written very much like this, so, I won't fault her too much. Besides, to be honest, I don't know if I could really just invent a comedy scene on the fly myself.

And, she's written some pretty decent stuff for her class so far, so, I can forgive her this one infraction... ;)

Please note, my comments are included, these are the comments I put into the Word Document and sent back to her... if you were wondering what all those fsk's are... ;)

FADE IN

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Walking into the bar MELISSA, early 20’s ambitious and spunky, quickly looks around trying to find the person she’s meeting, a co-worker STEPHEN, mid 20’s (cool adjectives inserted here[fsk1] )

She finds he’s sitting with his back to her at the bar with an open seat beside him. Walking over, MELISSA sees that STEPHEN has already been enjoying the bars happy hour special of two for ones on beer. She hops up on the chair beside him. STEPHEN turns and notices his company has arrived.

MELISSA

Hey, Stephen.

STEPHEN

Hello.

MELISSA throws her purse up on the counter and begins to dig for her ID. Soon, the BARTENDER comes over, asking what she would like.

BARTENDER

Hi there. What can I get you?

MELISSA

I’ll get a Mich Golden Light with

olives.

BARTENDER

Alright. Can I see your ID?

MELISSA

Yep[fsk2] .

MELISSA hands the BARTENDER her ID. Quickly looking at it the BARTENDER hands it back.

BARTENDER

I’ll be right back with that[fsk3] .

STEPHEN

You and your damn olives.

All I have so far but this is some of what we talked about pick the funny stuff to put in the script[fsk4] !

(Gets beer drinks some of it doesn’t taste like her beer)

STEPHEN

The olives have taken the delicious

out of the beer.

MELISSA

It’s not the olives. The olives make

the beer taste better.

She starts digging in her purse.

MELISSA

I think I have yogurt-covered raisins

in here. You want some?

STEPHEN

No, no. Why would I want random foodstuffs

from your purse?

MELISSA

I don’t have an answer for that.

STEPHEN

That has got to be the strangest thing

I’ve had offered to me in quite a while.

She takes one of them out and puts it on the counter but it’s just the raisin, without the yogurt covering.

STEPHEN

Ewe[fsk5] . (How the hell do you spell this?)

MELISSA

Apparently [fsk6] all the yogurt came off.

She digs around some more and finds something else she places on the counter.

MELISSA

Oh here’s the rest of it.

STEPHEN

Ew[fsk7] , ew, ew, like you wouldn’t believe.

MELISSA

I wonder what other fun stuff I have in

here.

STEPHEN

I don’t wonder that thing.

MELISSA

So, Stephen, have you thought of any ideas

for me?

STEPHEN

No, not really.

MELISSA

Comedy screenplay?

STEPHEN

No… I have no ideas.

MELISSA

Well then, let’s talk funny now Stephen [fsk8]

to give me some ideas.

STEPHEN

No.

(beat)

When’s this thing due?

MELISSA

Thursday.

STEPHEN

Oh… we’ve go time.

MELISSA

You sure.

STEPHEN

Funny will probably happen between now

and then.

MELISSA

It usually never does.

STEPHEN

Bah dun bum.

MELISSA

That’s going in.

STEPHEN

How do you write that?

MELISSA

What?

STEPHEN

Bah dun bum.

MELISSA

B A H

STEPHEN

Bah.

MELISSA

Bah.

STEPHEN

Like a sheep, baaaaaahhhhh

MELISSA

How do you spell that?

STEPHEN

B A A A H H H exclamation mark,

asterisk.

MELISSA

What do you mean, asterisk?

STEPHEN

You know the starry thing.

MELISSA

Why do you need an asterisk?

STEPHEN

Why not?

MELISSA

I’m confused.

STEPHEN

That’s not hard to do.

MELISSA

Oh, thanks.

(Pause in conversation)

MELISSA

So Stephen.

STEPHEN

Nope.

MELISSA

Damn it.

STEPHEN

Well maybe.

MELISSA

In this screenplay should I use our

actual names?

STEPHEN

Why not?

MELISSA

Okay, so well then I need adjectives.

STEPHEN

Adjectives, you mean words that modify

a noun by describing it?

MELISSA

Something like that. Go.

STEPHEN

Awesome, coolest ever.

Try not to laugh so hard.

Hey I got one for you.

He sticks up his middle finger at her.

STEPHEN

Oh, there it is.

MELISSA

Oh, damn it.

STEPHEN

I found it.

MELISSA

Damn it. That’s going in you know.

Description of action.

STEPHEN

What about sound effects? Ching.

MELISSA

I don’t think sound effects would work

for a middle finger.

STEPHEN

What about when it’s soring through the

air?

MELISSA

Lets move on.

(Pause drinky of beer and stuff.)

MELISSA

I got a paper cut at work today.

She shows him her hand.

STEPHEN

I tore the flesh off of my palm.

He shows her his palm.

MELISSA

I almost broke my pinky.

STEPHEN

I got stabbed with a knife.

MELISSA

I almost broke my pinky at work.

STEPHEN

Oh.

MELISSA

Today.

STEPHEN

I broke a lot of things at work just

not at this place.

MELISSA

That’s beside the point.

STEPHEN

So I guess the point is here and what

I’m saying is over this way?

He gestures with his arms a wide distance of the points in discussion.

MELISSA

Oh it’s way over that way.

STEPHEN

So, it’s not so much beside as away

from the point.

MELISSA

It’s totally away from the point

STEPHEN

But it could be the point because

frankly it has a lot to do with the

point.

MELISSA

Not really.

STEPHEN

It’s similar.

MELISSA

We’re talking about work at Office

Depot. Not work somewhere else.

STEPHEN

But work is work no matter where it is.

MELISSA

Hey, so back to this screenplay thingy.

STEPHEN

You should have brought your laptop. I

could have transcribed everything.

MELISSA

Are you a fast typer?

STEPHEN

Extremely.

MELISSA

Should I run home and get it?

STEPHEN

No.

MELISSA

I have an idea.

STEPHEN

I don’t like ideas.

She begins to dig in her purse again.

STEPHEN

What the hell could you get out of your

purse now that’s going to help?

MELISSA

It’s going to help.

She takes out her cell phone.

MELISSA

Text messaging.

She passes her phone to him.

MELISSA

Type, type everything we say.

STEPHEN

Something tells me I couldn’t keep up.

MELISSA

Do you want me to get an F?

STEPHEN

An F?

MELISSA

An F.

STEPHEN

An F?

MELISSA

In my grade.

STEPHEN

I would prefer you didn’t… but obviously

it’s not my class.

MELISSA

So in other words you don’t give a shit?

STEPHEN

No, I do, but my responsibility toward it is

fairly limited.

MELISSA

So basically I’m on my own.

STEPHEN

Well no. I’m trying to help.

MELISSA

That’s true

(Pause more action happening.)

STEPHEN

Orange?

MELISSA

No, olive?

STEPHEN

Olive’s don’t go with oranges.

MELISSA

No, Stephen, oranges don’t go with olives.

STEPHEN

Have you ever wondered about the orange?

MELISSA

Not entirely, no.

STEPHEN

It’s the only fruit that’s named after

a color or the only color named after

a fruit. Why?

MELISSA

No clue.

STEPHEN

And why isn’t the apple named green or

green apple? Or red even?

MELISSA

I think the orange is the only thing

even named after any color. You know

what it is Stephen, it’s just to confuse

you.

STEPHEN

I think your right, it is.

MELISSA

I don’t think this will turn out good at

all. It’s just a talking head scene. All

we do is sit here and talk and drink beer.

STEPHEN

Well, we could go do something[fsk9] ?

---

[fsk1]BAHAHAHAH, I have to see what you end up using here…

[fsk2]Did you say yep?

[fsk3]Was she that pleasant, do I really just block out when people fling meaningless descriptions to their supposed actions?

[fsk4]Is this directed at me?

[fsk5]I think it’s “Eew”, a Ewe would be a female sheep…

[fsk6]Wasn’t it more like, Hmm… all the yogurt came off…

[fsk7]I’ll also accept this as a good spelling, too…

[fsk8]Do you really say my name this much?

[fsk9]You can’t just stop there! :P