These are things that have been chatted. I enjoy them. You will do the same, by my decree.
8:48 AM me: So, I've been thinking about it, and I think I will let you give me $5,000.
9:17 AM Michael: I've thought it over and I've decided to decline your offer. It's just too generous.
9:18 AM me: We can make it $7,500 then. That's fine.
Michael: Still.
me: How's life on your end of the chat box?
Michael: Covered in feces, but otherwise fine.
9:19 AM And yours, sir?
me: Well, a bit more sanitary, it sounds.
9:20 AM I informed the girls last night of the potential of a camping trip with you and Lucy and they are cautiously optimistic.
9:21 AM By that I mean they're jaws dropped for about a full minute and then they cheered. I told them we're not 100% sure we can work it all out, but that it looks good that we'll get camping one way or another. They are excited. I also told them that you and I were planning to feed them to wolves.
Their.
Dammit.
9:22 AM I've been screwing of the the(i/y/)(r/)e) 's a lot lately.
9:23 AM Michael: also the "o's" and "f's" apparently.
me: O/u f/p
Those are all the same, really.
Michael: I don't think you're allowed to divide f by p.
9:24 AM me: I don't see why not.
Provide me with a tasty morsel.
Michael: How do you like fist?
me: Seared with a hint of lime.
And then there's this:
8:35 AM me: What the shit is with the snow?
It's fucking April!
8:36 AM Michael: What the shit indeed, sir.
8:38 AM me: I don't remember there being snow in April before.
I'm sure there is and I just complain about it when it happens, but still..
8:39 AM Great Raptor Jesus it's irritating.
9:16 AM Michael: Have the Juggernaut and the Blob ever faced off before?
me: I think so...
Michael: You always hear that, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" thing.
9:17 AM My hypothesis is nothing. But I think Juggernaut and the Blob could shine some more light on it.
9:18 AM me: Possibly.
If they are of equal mass the would simply stop where they met.
9:19 AM And velocity and all that.
Physics is pretty clear on all this...
9:20 AM Michael: Unless of course the immovable object is immovable do to the fact that it is ethereal in nature or somehow intangible.
They never say why it's immovable.
me: True.
Michael: The same could be said of the unstoppable.
Wind, for instance, is somewhat unstoppable.
9:22 AM me: Sort of.
It is stoppable with a force equal or greater.
It's all just atmospheric pressure.
9:25 AM Michael: Of course, the saying does indicate that one is unstoppable and the other is immovable, so it's just theory, as neither of those objects exist.
me: Right.
9:26 AM It's a saying, not a scientific theorum.
Michael: You're a saying.
me: I don't think so...
9:27 AM Unless it's 'A Stephen' which is a term for someone with extreme sexual prowess.
But that's not really a sayong.
9:28 AM Saying.
9:31 AM There are two types of people in this work, sir, Stephen's and Michael's. I think we both know which type you are.
Michael: So's your face.
9:32 AM me: Brilliance
10:28 AM Michael: Sticking that little straw from a can of compressed air up your anus and pulling the trigger is a really bad idea.
me: Wow.
10:40 AM me: Please tell me you don't know from experience now.
Michael: No. It was just a warning. Friendly advice.
me: Alright.
10:41 AM Michael: On a totally separate note, how might one remove a small plastic straw from a frostbitten sphincter hole? Just in theory...I mean, if it was really jammed up there?
10:43 AM me: Tepid room temperature water, some patience and ability to deal with pain
10:44 AM Also, a midget and a bucket of fried chicken.
10:45 AM Three doves.
Michael: Shit. I ate the chicken and fed the midget to the doves.
Wish you'd been a little quicker with that.
me: All part of the plan, sir.
You're doing fine.
10:46 AM Michael: Wow. What luck. I kind of succeeded accidentally there.
I also win for including two "cc" words in the same sentence.
10:48 AM me: Next you'll need a slip and slide, 3 quarts of mineral oil, another bucket of fried chicken the fat black woman from the Weeds, a dead potato beetle, 16 fighter kites, an opossum, and the colon from a mummified animal no less than 10 million years old.
This step is easy, I assume you can figure it out, let me know when you ready for the final step.
10:50 AM Michael: I put all that stuff in the closet, then called the black lady "an uppity negro" and the straw came out when she pulled her foot "out my pasty, white ass."
10:53 AM me: Very good.
Now, for the last step, you're going to need a decent team of attorneys.
10:54 AM You'll be defending the civil suit against the black lady, filing counter suit for damages from her foot in your ass and suing the air duster company for lack of clear warning against blowing up your own ass.
10:56 AM At some point during the trial, get someone to write a fake suicide note, hang yourself with the colon and eat the potato bug. It will make a great episode of Law and Order 'ripped from the headlines'.
10:57 AM Michael: During which I'll be called as a consultant and Alana de la Garza will fall deeply in love with me. Yes.
It's all going just as I'd planned.
10:58 AM me: Ta da!
11:00 AM For our next trick, watch me pull a rabbit out of your ass!
Michael: I dunno. That one's pretty well stuck. I've come to terms with that.
11:01 AM me: It's still unnerving to watch you feed it.
Michael: That was pretty fucking funny. Well done, sir.
11:02 AM me: Thank you.
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