Babylon A.D.

Baylon A.D. is, on the surface, a movie. Normally, when I write a review, I like to touch on the positives of a movie. The thing that make the movie worth watching, even if it's not very good overall. I'll do what I can for this one, but I warn you, it's not easy.

The first positive is that there's some interesting visuals throughout the movie. Honestly, some might disagree with me, but I think the set design was very good, and provides a great backdrop to the world we're supposed to be in, even if we really don't know what that world is. The action sequences are certainly... actiony, even if not very. Really, that's about as far as I can go, and I feel like I'm really pushing to do so. Honestly, when the Director / Producer / Writer comes out and pans the flick before it is even released, you almost have to expect that it will be absolutely terrible. (Especially when that Director is Mathieu Kassovitz, who also directed Gothika, which I didn't think much of either.)

Honestly, Kassovitz had a lot to say about this project. One of the more memorable quotes here is: "It's pure violence and stupidity. The movie is supposed to teach us that the education of our children will mean the future of our planet. All the action scenes had a goal: They were supposed to be driven by either a metaphysical point of view or experience for the characters... instead parts of the movie are like a bad episode of 24."

No, none of that came through at all. Not even a little bit. As a matter of fact, I can say, without any sarcasm or ire, this movie doesn't deliver a single message.

Vin Diesel is an experienced Mercenary by the name of Toorop who is recruited, by force, to escort a girl from Mongolia to New York. We're given that she's very valuable for some reason, but beyond that, we're left completely in the dark. He picks up the 'package', a twenty year old girl, and her 'guardian' from a convent in Mongolia. This is the extent of the entire first act.

What ensues from here is forty-five minutes of watching these people cross the world on a 6,000 mile journey, although we only really see 4 major points of this journey, which becomes the entire second act, and there's hardly anything compelling about it. As an example, this would normally be the time where some connection between the hard nosed mercenary and his young 'package' should be formed, but there's literally nothing there except a small amount of diatribe from her guardian which is neither illuminating, or interesting. During this time, the only real opposition comes from a group of people attempting to abduct the 'package' but only seem to be capable of doing so when she decides to go with them willingly (to meet her father), and when Toorop points a gun at them, she goes back to him, and the abductors run off without even looking back. Hardly what I would consider a tense situation. There's also a point when they cross the border when they are attacked by some sort of unmanned aerial drones, which are fairly easily eliminated by Diesel using only a handgun and a snowmobile.

Finally, we reach the third act, hungry for some kind of explanation, and it comes, but really, it doesn't make a lot of sense, nor is it in any way engaging. If, for some reason, you might be interested in trying to watch this movie, I'll not give away the details. I will say that it's an extremely disappointing act that ends in such a lackluster way that you almost feel like you've missed the end of the movie, even as the credits begin to roll. It's an ending so rushed that it feels as though it deserved another 30 minutes. Even then, those 30 minutes would only have served to make a bad movie seem at least mediocre.

Overall it was very frustrating, throughout the entire fiasco you feel like there's a rich story that is just screaming to be told. Normally, watching a decent movie adaptation will make me seek out the original novel, but in this case, the terrible movie adaptation is actually having the same effect. I imagine that Maurice G. Dantec's novel has to be at least marginally better than this atrocity.

Chicken Kiev

Or, an evil I blame on Mike.

I'd never heard of Chicken Kiev when Mike first asked me if I would like to partake in said food item with him. He, as I recall, was amazed, and proceeded to extol upon me the virtues of a boneless chicken breast wrapped around a stick of butter and garlic and then heavily breaded. This was sometime in the mid-90's. Forever I will have a year book inscribed with an invitation to his home to play video games and eat Chicken Kiev.

After working on writing a business plan for the past couple of hours, I realized that I hadn't actually eaten anything of substance today, and figured it would be good to remedy that situation. As it turned out, there was a pair of plastic wrapped Chicken Kievs in my freezer.

Now that I've eaten them, I remember why I should hate Mike for ever introducing me to the terrible substance the Schwan's Man used to bring to the white freezer that sat in their attached garage at the end of the winding driveway along the Mississippi River. Of course, I can't hate him, because, well, I love the bastard. But, I still feel a tinge of anger whenever I think about the fact that he turned me into a sometimes Chicken Kiev junky.

Admittedly, I probably haven't eaten these in many months, but whenever I do, I feel that I've done something horrible to myself. Oddly, this feeling is absent whenever I light up a cigarette.

Of course, I've no intention of not eating Chicken Kiev ever again, and, still somehow feel it's an oddly under-appreciated food item. I recommend that the next time you're in your grocer's freezer section, you find yourself a decent Chicken Kiev, and go right ahead and shave a couple of days off your live. Just be sure to avoid the molten butter that could potentially mar you for the rest of your existence if you don't let it cool long enough when removing it from the oven.

Everything looks like something lately...

I've been noticing a huge trend lately, a trend I would love to relate, but I haven't got a lot of proof right in front of me. However, I'm reminded of this trend by the new game for the PlayStation Network called Crash Commando.

It looks like great fun. A simple concept seems to be at work here, a vast 2D side scrolling world with 12 player multiplayer and over the top ragdoll physics and gore?

That's fantastic, except that it is Soldat. You can see the similarities in the screenshots.

Of course, the Playstation game has richer graphics. Much richer graphics. But, overall, it seems the concept is intact. It's essentially the same game.

This is the trend I've been noticing. There are others, games released on Xbox Live! Arcade and on various flash sites, all of which bear striking resemblances to other games. And I don't mean to say that they sport similar ideas or concepts, but rather, that they seem to be the very same game at their cores. I'm willing to accept other explanations for this, far fetched thought they might be.

Again, I've no other examples to site at the moment, but when my feeble brain's short and long term memory failures stop, or I stumble across another example, I will gladly serve it up.

I will say, however, that I have to admit that Soldat, at it's very core, seems suspiciously similar to CrackDotCom's Abuse. There is a striking resemblance anyway.

Furiously

Furiously I spoke, my words soft as a whisper, my thoughts raging in my skull, my feelings swelling to burst. I told you I loved you. I still love you. The words, they were real, but we both knew they were measured, perhaps for both our sakes. I said it all, in that whisper. I said everything. And you listened, perhaps not always intently, but you listened.

And in return, you gave nothing. You said nothing. Even in your loudest voice, the one that so closely resembles a scream, you said nothing.

I sat in silence. Waiting for something, for some sign, something to know it was real. I wanted to hear anything said that rang with truth, even if it stung me deep.

The clock on the wall, the one that stopped working years ago, it slowly ticked away the time that didn't pass between us. And with the time, something else was there between us... the ache of longing, the pain of memories of a time that no longer was, could no longer be.

I spoke again, words that I couldn't retain within me, my voice no longer a whisper, but filled with emotions that might have killed to escape. Still, I didn't shout when I spoke of promises and loss, of heartbreak and fear. I didn't scream of the hurt and suffering, of the wounds that ran so deep.

And you sat in silence. Still. Afraid to show me anything. Afraid of exposing weakness, emotion. Somewhere inside, I'm sure you were afraid of hurting me. More than you'd already hurt me. Just as afraid of hurting yourself. Of admitting anything to yourself.

When I spoke again, my voice but a shadow of itself, control regained, I lied. I said that it didn't matter what you told me, if you told me anything at all. I lied to you and I said I didn't need to hear you speak. I still knew how you felt, even if you couldn't tell me. I knew everything.

In truth, I was dying to hear it. Knowing a thing does not always make it real.

In lust you begged. In passion I replied. There was still so much there, yearning and need. Wounds that couldn't be healed so quickly. And I touched you, and you cried, and still you said nothing of substance. You cried, your body shaking, and you refused to look at me. You'd refused to look at me all along, to let me see into your eyes, maybe afraid of looking back into mine.

And what you'd find there.

Love.

Unrequited.

Love.

And now, perhaps, I'd kiss you. Maybe, one last time, we'd lie together, bodies explaining everything that can go without being said aloud. Perhaps.

And now, perhaps, I'd say my last goodbyes. I'd wish you well, and I'd mean it, all of the happiness in the world. And in silence you'd watch me go. Still a tear might fall. Perhaps.

Maybe this is how these things could happen. But they don't. They didn't. Not with us, whoever we are or were.

So, I'll let escape a laugh completely free of mirth, and maybe a chuckle with a measure more melancholy. And now, perhaps, I'll go back to sleep, and dream other dreams. Maybe I'll find you there.

Or worse, you'll find me.

EyePet?

Kotaku has an article about a new product called EyePet. If you don't want to check the link, which you probably should as I can wait until you get back to explain why this is dumb, even if you can figure it out all on your own, the idea of this is that you will use Sony's EyeToy to interact with a virtual pet, allowing play with the creature in 3D space, and I can assume, train it and do other such pet related tasks.




Of this is said: "Eyepet promises to have all of the perks of pet ownership without any of the mess."

Really? I beg to differ. All the perks of pet ownership would be a broad list of items, but I think I can narrow it down to a few big ones. The first I can think of is: tactile response. One of the greatest things about a pet is the ability to pet said pet. You touch it, run your fingers through it's fur, feel the warmth of it, and typically from this you're given a sense of love and sanctuary. Another point: love. I can't say that this will always be true, but I can't ever feel love for an a piece of software, especially as that software can't really love me back. It's idiotic, because it's like dating someone who is just going through the motions, acting the part... The EyePet is simply a whore. You pay for it, and it pretends that it loves you, and pretends to give you the simulation of being real.

Also, like those Tamagatchis of old, and so many other 'virtual' and 'simulated' pets, I just can't see caring about it. I mean, let's be real, even if you don't feed it and it dies, you just make a new one, you reset and all is well. No matter how well they build the software, how unique your pet is, it's still just a piece of code.

I can accept the concept of these virtual creatures, and certainly, I'm not saying they don't have their place in the world. My problem is making claims like, "Eyepet promises to have all of the perks of pet ownership without any of the mess." It just doesn't jive. I could say that the cardboard box my refrigerator came in has all the perks of being a car without the cost of fuel and risk of accident, but really, that statement just doesn't quite cut it, does it?

Styrofoam Homes

You know, I have to admit that I'm all for interesting and different construction methods. I believe there's nothing wrong with mobile and modular homes for those that aren't able to afford traditional construction, or those who are actually opposed to it.

I also enjoy unusual architecture. A house shaped like the Marlboro Man, or an office building that looks like a Ferris Wheel. And, you've got Ice Hotels, and Igloos.

However, be all that as it may, I find that I'm absolutely in love with the idea of a Styrofoam House.

Admittedly, part of my interest is that the first picture I saw made me think of The Hobbit, even though hobbits live in holes that have been cut into hills, I still get this feeling of Middle Earth when I look at these things.

But, I think I could be proud to live in one or three of these. I imagine actually putting them together and then connecting a few so that I could have a Styrofoam Mansion. I imagine that they would not ever meet building codes here, but a guy can dream, can't he?

House of the Dead: Overkill

I've always had a real love/hate relationship with the House of the Dead series. Overall, I enjoy them, it's a rail shooter with zombies, what's not to love? The styling is good, graphics are good, and the controls and weapons are straight forward.

The only problem I have is that this: Like every other Japanese originated rail shooter, has been dubbed into English with the worst voice actors on the planet. I'm always blown away when playing Time Crisis or Ghost Squad at just how terrible a voice actor can actually be. To top it off, the stories are never really all that solid, and they usually aren't translated well. None of this matters that much, because you just tune the whole thing out and skip your way through to the shooting.

Why do I mention this? Well, Jim sent me this link. Actually, he sent me two links, but the wired link had almost no information, so we'll pretend it was just this one. Admittedly, I had seen something about this in one of my various feeds, but because it's House of the Dead, and I figure I'll usually just stumble across the machine at a Dave and Buster's or something, I didn't pay attention.

I hadn't noticed the 'Wii'. Apparently, this is a Wii title. It's supposed to be styled in the classic 70's Grindhouse motif. From the trailer, it looks interesting.



It still looks like House of the Dead, though. I imagine, for all the awesome new effects the grainy film look will have, it will still just suck for story. Honestly, I can't go to a House of the Dead game for the story, there's none worth noting.

Now, it's being developed by Headstrong for Sega, which I believe is a departure from previous titles, though I might be wrong. However, if this is a new developer, and because it's being done in the style of a really shitty movie, perhaps this will work out. That is to say, where the other House of the Dead games were just lame in their story, this game might have a story that is supposed to be lame, and therefore, it might be not so lame.

Anyway, I think I should be congratulated on making it through this entire post without mentioning the Uwe Boll abortion that was House of the Dead. Honestly, everything that man as ever done has been pure shit, but House of the Dead remains at the top of my list of 'worst movies of all time'. Although though I have to admit that I was blown away at how terrible his Dungeon Siege movie was, considering he actually had some talent of note, and somehow, in his movie, they just couldn't act. Finally, I wonder why it is I've so many of his shitty movies. You'd think I would have just stopped watching. (In my defense, about half of them I didn't realize he'd directed until about 55 seconds into the first shitty scene). Truly, though, we have a man that needs to be stopped. Just don't give him any more money!

Ok, perhaps congratulations are not in order.

Why would you do this?

I read a lot of Web Comics. My list grows and shrinks, but there is a pretty solid core of comics that I love. xkcd is an absolute favorite, Ctrl-Alt-Del, Penny Arcade, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, and Questionable Content are all favorites as well. I also follow some syndicated national comics, as well, like Dilbert and The Boondocks, and all of this I have delivered to me via RSS in Google Reader.

Now, I won't claim to be the smartest person in the world, but I'd like to think that I'm at least above average, or better. Every once in a while, I'll read something and I won't understand it. It's rare, but it happens. Usually, I assume or can glean that it's how the joke has been framed, or that it is referencing something I'm just not familiar with. In either situation, I'm willing to accept that I just won't always be on the same page with whoever created the comic.

Today, I read Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, and he posted a link to a site I'd never heard of called, Comics I Don't Understand. Specifically, he pointed to the the area of the the site that is devoted to his comics.

I have several problems with this site. First, it's one of the ugliest sites I've ever laid eyes upon. This, to me, has to be one the biggest failings. It is just so pathetically styled, and for all the time this person spends posting everyone's comics, you'd think they could take the time to improve the layout and design. It's Wordpress for crying out loud, Wordpress is pretty easy to work with. For some reason, they also insist on showing their labels, which is pointless when view the site in full, but they seem to want to add every label imaginable to the posts so that they overflow, often into the next post, of course a float might fix that, but really, just don't display them, they're really just for searching anyway.

Now, excusing the fact that there's no sense of design, and the layout is awful, and no one has bothered to create a decent header, there is also basically no consistency. As an example, the top entry when I looked was a Rubes comic. After looking at it, I see that it is clearly not a comic he doesn't understand. I could that someone might not understand it, based on the pissing like a race horse reference here. Also, I'm having a hard time understand exactly what has been slipped past the syndicate editors. The reference is a good one, and it's done without actually saying anything vulgar.

Finally, all I can think when looking at this is just how stupid people are. I understand that not everyone is going to get everything, but, it still seems as though this is just a bit excessive. I feel like my eight year old would understand most of these. So many of these jokes are just glaringly obvious, how could anyone not understand them?

This site seems to be tantamount to wearing a shirt that says, "I am incapable of understanding the most basic of humor, and if it is even slightly cerebral..." and on the back it would say, "I fail every time."

Anyway, I suppose that's enough tearing down, it just seems so right to point out something so... well, for lack of a better word, pathetic. Perhaps it is just my nature, I just don't understand any place where people would willingly congregate and admit that they are actually stupid.

(Please note: I don't actually know these people, and they may certainly be intelligent in other ways and just have no sense of comic humor, so I am drawing a pretty general conclusion in assuming they are just really stupid people. Honestly, though, I'm really surprised they figured out how to turn on their computers, let alone stumbling onto the internet, and actually searching out a website where they could come together with other stupid people. Kudos to you, perhaps your millions of stupid friends will find their ways to you as well.)

Feeling Strangely Fine

Wow, it's been a little while since I've updated. I apologize. I've been extremely busy of late. I've been socializing and working on some writing and I've also got a completely updated design for my new website I've been working on, which I think looks a lot better. It's still a little rough around the edges, and needs further tweaking, but it's coming together well, and seems to render well in both IE and FireFox. All this, plus the regular stresses of being a single dad trying to keep some semblance of a social life while still working full time, well, it's been a crazy week.

Mike turned me on to something called weBOOK, which, while suffering eBay syndrome like so many other sites (that is, the inappropriate capitalization of letters in its name), it also suffers from some minor usability issues, and a severe lack of content. However, it's a new site with a relatively fresh idea, one I have to admit that I wish that I'd had. Mike and I started posting our current writing project work there, though I have been procrastinating hard on this week's story because I've simply not been feeling it, which is really too bad, because it has some real potential. I'll get it, though, I refuse to give up.

As I get more time with that site, I will try and post a full review of the site itself and how it works.

In other news, I'm now 25% of the way through Grand Theft Auto IV, which is still doing a great job of keeping me interested. I'm pretty sure that I'll finish this one. To be honest, I finished both III and Vice City without any problems, but that was a long time ago, when I was just a punk-ass kid. San Andreas just didn't appeal to me, no matter how much I tried to play it, which is why both the Xbox and PC versions have never been more than 30% complete. I don't think that either III or Vice City would really appeal to me now as much, having played IV, because I just enjoy the main character so much more

Anyway, I should sleep, something I've not gotten a lot of lately. I've just picked up the "new" Chuck Palahniuk book, Snuff, which has apparently been out for a while, and I just didn't know it. I also picked up The Bourne Ultimatum, the last of Ludlum's Bourne series, which reminds me, I need to check reviews on a couple of titles I saw, which are apparently continuations by another author. I'm always leery of those, because they are tantamount to fan fiction, and I've never read one that speaks in the same voice as the original author. I've heard good things about a couple of Clany titles that are written by other authors. So, maybe?

For now, however, good night and farewell. I shall return. (apologies, as well, for this post's inconherency... I'm a little tired.)

Emotion in Absentia

Tell me something? Why do we feel anything at all. When it comes down to it, aren't we simply supposed to spend our time reproducing while keeping the saber tooth tigers at bay and mammoth meat on the table? Yet it's just not so simple. It's nothing like simplicity. I ate at taco bell for lunch today, which is nothing like the stalking, killing, skinning and eating of a moose, which actually sounds nothing like simplicity either.

Perhaps I've gone too far in my deep search for emotion and understanding, because I've found myself wondering about some of the most basic things, like Diet Soda and Pizza Delivery, and music lyrics about cars.

That doesn't mean I haven't gotten a grip on the more pressing personal issues, it just means that I'm finding the world a far more interesting place than usual.

A great example of what I might be talking about: Lenovo ThinkPad W700. Here's a machine with a built-in wacom pad, a Core 2 Quad Extreme 3.0Ghz processor, 8GB of RAM, 1 GB of Video RAM on an nVidia Quadro FX video card, an amazing 17" display... and I want it so bad. Of course, it won't help me make a fire to cook that moose I will probably never kill. It won't keep rain off my head, really. So, what good does it serve me? It's just a thing.

Of course, I'm not saying I don't love our crazy capitalist world, where the rich get richer, the middle class digs themselves further in debt, and the poor are often the happiest of us all.

What I'm saying is...

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm probably not saying anything at all.

Nevermind.

Pornography of the soul....

has come to an end.

I've always used this blog as an open window, a place to say my piece, and vent my thoughts and feelings. But it seems, maybe this isn't the most appropriate place, an open page to the world, to exact my self therapy.

It's not an end to posting, just an end to the deeply personal information. A least for now.

For those who have read my words, and felt anything, thank you.

Silence....

(Again, for those not interested in my personal thoughts, feel free to avoid this post. Self therapy is in session.)

Sometimes the silence is deafening. Thoughts are constant, and there are memories that could be evoked by anything I see and here. But in the silence, where there's nothing, the thoughts are there. Whether they be memories of being with her, or just the recognition that she's gone, that I'm alone right now.

I can't remember ever feeling this way after a break-up. In one moment, I want nothing more than to be with her again, to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her one last time, to tell her that I love her. In another moment, I'm glad that it's over, that I'm not going to have to worry about her being upset about something else, that I won't have to walk on eggshells whenever I'm around her, that I won't have to bend over backwards anymore to make her happy. In another moment I feel angry that she could so easily walk away, that she could so easily just leave without talking to me, that it seems like our entire relationship meant nothing to her.

Yet, for all that, the majority of the time, it seems there's nothing, just a numbness. Just a feeling of unending quiet. It's strange, because I know there's supposed to be something, but it just isn't there. My emotions feel like they're on hold.

And I wonder, how long will this take? Am I just not moving through the normal process of mourning? How long until I feel normal again, at least until my emotions are where they should be?

Maybe it's just because I'm torn emotionally about things ending. Maybe it's just that there was never any real closure.

And I know there's no going back. I know that there's nothing that either of us could say or do that would bring back what was there, even if the feelings remain, the line has been crossed, the point of no return as been reached. Acceptance is there, I accept that it is over, quoth the raven, "nevermore".

And if I could tell her I love her, I would. And if she told me she loved me, I might believer her. If I could run my fingers through her hair, and kiss her, and hold her close, I might. And if I could just put her out of my mind completely, I might live with that as well, because I want nothing more than to move on, even if I want nothing more than to be with her again.

It's been eight days since I last kissed her, last felt her skin. It's been a week since I last heard her voice. It's been six days since she took all of her clothes. It's been 4 days since she took everything else. It's been one day since I last looked at her picture. And I'm sure it will be some time before I finally stop thinking about it all.

There are, of course, worse ways for things to end, and things even worse than having it end. But still... it's my little tragedy, right now, and I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how.

The Dark Knight

I don't normally go to see a movie more than once in the theaters, even if I rarely have to pay for watching theatrical releases, there's usually just no appeal for seeing the same movie more than once in such a short period of time. For many movies, I'm usually ready to give them another spin around the time they hit video. So, if I see a movie more than once in the theater, it's usually because either someone else I know still hasn't seen it and wants to, or because it was just an amazing movie. My second viewing of The Dark Knight stemmed from both.

It's been a long time since I reviewed Batman Begins. I liked it, it was, in my opinion, the best Batman movie to date, but there were plenty of things that I didn't like about it, but it was done well, and was a blockbuster release, and had a lot of things going for it. My biggest problem with that movie was Christian Bale. I love Christian Bale's work, and he makes a fantastic Bruce Wayne, but as soon as he dons the cowel and starts growling like a death metal signer, I just hated it.

Such is the issue I have with him in the new film. Apart from the gutteral growl he uses as his Batman voice, there's something very unnatural about the way his mouth moves, which you can see in much of his work, but it becomes all the more pronounced when only his mouth is outlined by as mask.

In addition, there are things that happen in this film that just make me want to groan, and in a lesser film, I would probably have been more apt to consider them as the film's failing, but in this case, they can be overlooked. I refer to certain clichès and extreme coincidence that are somehow more acceptable in this film than in any other.

The primary reason for this movie's success is the absolutely flawless performance of Heath Ledger as the Joker. It was perfect in a way I can't remember seeing in a very long time. Every line, every mannerism, every movement, everything was executed perfectly. It's truly sad that we'll never have the opportunity to see it again, but I don't know that it could have been possible to match or even exceed this role anyway, so that maybe it's better that it can't happen.

There are so many other things that I could say about this film, but really, it's just best that you go see it, if you haven't already. It is truly the best Batman movie ever made, and one the the best films ever made in general.

Flutter-By's

Today, as with yesterday, was another day of feeling general un-goodness, which is a real world, I assure you. I woke up this morning to find myself feeling extremely lonely. All of this comes from the events earlier this week, leading up to today, as outlined in yesterday's post.

Somewhere around the middle of the day, though, it was decided that I needed to get out of the house, and it was suggested that I take the girls to see the new Butterfly exhibit at the Como Zoo. I have to say that I didn't really expect much, I've seen butterflies before. It turned out to be quite a spectacle.



These are a handful of over eighty shots I took. If you'd like to see the rest, check out my gallery.

It was a good time, the girls had a great time, and it was another opportunity for me to do something other than sit around and ponder my current situation.

On the way, I decided it would be a good time to stop and pick up Grand Theft Auto IV for the Xbox 360. I was a little worried about it, simply because no game could possibly be as good as all the hype has made this one out to be, but after playing for about four and a half hours straight, I can honestly say, wow.

I'll talk more about GTA IV, and I also need to post my review of the greatest movie I've seen twice in the theater... The Dark Knight. That review, however, will take some time... something I don't really have a lot of right now.

In the interim, please enjoy the perdy flutterby pictures...

Something a little different....

I'm exhausted, having just gotten home. Now that I'm not out doing, again, I'm forced to think and feel things a little more acutely. This is a terrible scenario, one I've been through all this last week.

(As a warning, this post is of a very personal nature. Bear that in mind if you choose to read any farther. This is not the sort of information one normally puts out for the world to read, but writing is just about the only way I can express myself, and I feel like this is the best form of therapy for me. So, feel free to read on, if you so choose, but understand the sensitive nature of what I'm about to write.)

Here's the situation, earlier this week, my girlfriend left. Now, I can't say we haven't been having trouble, but they were, in my opinion, problems that we could have weathered, things that were not worth throwing away a year and a half relationship over. It seems I was in the minority in this opinion. To me, though, the pain is very deeply seated in the fact that she didn't talk to me about leaving, she just came when I wasn't hear and took her stuff, and then was gone. I haven't spoken to her (except the occasional text, which offers basically no substance) since Monday night, and at no point has she told me what she was feeling, or even that she was leaving.

And I've been left feeling numb. I won't say that I'm perfect, as a matter of fact, I would hazard that I'm far from it, but I've already tried pretty hard to make the people around me happy. This seemed to work out for us well as her concern has always been her own happiness as well. I've been well aware of the fact that she was somewhat immature, inexperienced in life, and rather self-centered, but it still seems that I completely misjudged her and her motives.

You might think, with such negative statements, and believe me, I'm restraining myself to some degree, that I'm just trying to take a shot at her, trying to make her out to be the villain in this. I'm truly not. Again, I will admit that there were issues there, and I made plenty of mistakes along the line. Even trying hard as I did to make sure that she was always happy, I made my share of errors, crossed the line more than once. Obviously, I can only see things from my own perspective, but I feel like I was more or less a good boyfriend overall.

I could launch into a tirade of negatives against her, things that would reinforce my previous statements, but it doesn't do any good. I can't change things, which is of course part of what makes things so hard. She made her decision, and I have no control over the situation, and after spending so long trying to keep the peace, and make sure things were going right, I'm left alone, helpless to do anything about it.

And still there's a numbness. It isn't that it doesn't feel real, it does. I know it's over, I know there's no going back, and even if there was, I wouldn't want to at this point. It's better this way, and in hindsight, I feel like this probably should have happened before now. I think the numbness comes from a lack of real closure. I never really got to say goodbye, we never talked things out, she never said she was leaving, I never told her I wanted her to go. She just left, ran away, and hid behind the ease of text messages.

I know that it isn't the end of the world. Some of my pain actually comes from how easily I've accepted that fact, the fact that this doesn't hurt as much as it seems like it should after being with someone for so long. It doesn't mean, though, that sitting in this bed now, alone, without her next to me. Having not talked to her, or touched her, hugged and kissed her, I feel somewhat incomplete, like a piece of my life is missing.

I will say that, for all the aggravation that I had when I was with her, for the problems we'd had, I was happy with her. It had been the reason I pursued a relationship with her in the first place, because of people in my life when I met her, for some reason, just being around her made me happier than I'd been for at least some time before.

I had imagined, a mistake to be sure, but I had imagined that the things I saw as flaws in her, things that seemed to come from never having really been on her own, having lived a somewhat sheltered life, were things that would change as time went on. That she would naturally grow out of some of her immaturity and naivety. Admittedly, this isn't the first time I've made this same mistake, and it's basic relationship 101: never expect change, and more importantly, never try to force change.

Of course, I was blinded by love, and general sense of happiness. Little things seemed better when she was around, like going to the laundromat.

Some of the numbness, though, I think also comes from the buffer I had built around my heart. I've been hurt before, and then somewhere inside I recognized the fact that there were problems there that might never change, and I've adopted such a 'whatever will be, will be' attitude over the years, that part of me really saw this coming a long time ago.

And still there's now. A part of me wishes I could talk to her, hold her, be with her. That part isn't very big, and it's not very vocal. Part of me is glad that she's gone, that if this relationship wasn't making her happy, it's good she left, even I don't like the way it happened. That part isn't all that large either. At least it doesn't seem to be, and so there's a middle part, something between the two that I don't understand. I've never felt like this after losing someone important from my life. In most situations, I'm either glad it's over, or I mourn the loss, but now I feel something in between.

So, with this odd feeling, this sense of numbness lined with relief and regret, I need to move on. Moving on is something I'm just not sure how to do right now, because of that strange feeling of emptiness, I don't know if the right decision is to try and work my way back into the dating pool, or if really what I need to do try to at least feel something and deal with the emotions that are there, or should be there.

The other problem is that I've clearly not been able to form and keep a stable relationship. It seems, in retrospect, that the women I've chosen to be with were, for the most part, either insane, or I just wasn't happy with them. Accepting the fact that I've got flaws, I still don't feel like I've been the bad guy in these relationships, which leaves me with the conclusion that women are crazy. I've known plenty of women that agree on this point, even if most aren't will to admit it. The problem is that I don't want to just write them off. More and more it seems impossible that I'll find that perfect someone, or least if I do, that the perfect someone I find won't already be taken.

There are a lot of women out there, so it seems the perfect person for me must be out there as well. But it's a matter of finding them. I guess I just need to keep looking.

It's all so very confusing.

Right now, though, I think it's probably best if I stop trying to figure out my emotions, and just try and get some sleep. Perhaps I'll come back to this soon...

A long overdue post...

But, unfortunately, one that may not be followed up quickly. I apologize in the delay, but I've been very busy working on a couple of web projects and I've also been extremely sick for the last few days. I've had a fever that's topped out around 103.1, and been a steady 101.5 or so for the most part. Also, I got a really good deal on an Xbox 360 about a week ago, as well, which has also taken up quite a bit of my time.

However, in the interim, I've at least gotten photos up from the Daddy / Daughter Camping Trip 2008. You can check out the Gallery here. Some examples:



You might notice that the URL is twotwentythree.com, which is my new URL. I have registered a new domain (actually, two, I now own both .net and .com), and have been working on building a new portfolio site. I am also hoping to host this blog from there as well, however, I have to use the 'Classic Template' to take advantage of FTP publishing, and it is a very daunting task. It isn't insurmountable, but considering the fact that I'm working on my own site, as well as one other at the same time, it's more than I can chew. So, look for that in the coming weeks, I imagine.

In the meantime, accept my apologies for the slow updating, and trust that I haven't abandoned this blag, I'm just letting it simmer for a little while.