the power of words

there's something to be said about the power of words. they can be powerful, even when used sparingly. a few words can literally topple the largest empire, and shatter the most powerful people. words the destroy even the most tightly wound silence. the problem with words is that they can be fickle and hard to find. for me, finding them lately has been the problem, and my biggest concern as been choosing the right ones. sometimes, the most powerful words are the ones that have gone unsaid.

maybe i'm wrong. i find that, as hard as it is to admit, i'm wrong more often than i'd like to be. i hate feeling so certain about something, and then finding out, even as i take the path i'd thought must be right, that my feelings were wrong. of late, i have been thinking a lot, which isn't unusual, i think way more than my brain seems able to keep up with. i've thought about some of those words that plague all of us. love, life, death, future, spirit.... i've been thinking so much that i have turned to some of my more mind numbing hobbies, in an effort, i think, to try and distract myself.

i wonder if my heartache will ever end, or at least dull. it's an ache that's always there. but unlike some that seem to fade, obscure, and take a place in the background of everything else, this pain seems to stab sharply. i don't know what to do about anything or anyone. i don't understand why i can't get control of everything inside me... maybe force it into submission.

i seem to latch onto things too easily lately, which is in contrast to my usual method of operation as an outside observer. that doesn't mean that i open myself up. it just means that i want to. i also seem to be latching on the things that aren't there. or perhaps something is there, and my blinders aren't letting me see everything. or maybe i'm just reading too much into things. i'm amazed i tried, such an out of character thing for me to do. likely it will be the last time for a while....

i have been thinking quite a bit about death lately. i've always thought about it, but for some reason, i have an extremely hollow feeling inside me. i have always been an 'athiest' by nature. i find my need for logical explanations far exceeds my need for spiritual wants. however, because of this, i'm feel confident that when i die, it's over. that's the end. thus, i don't want to die. now, that doesn't mean that i am open to the possibility of an afterlife of some time, but i can't explain it, see it, touch it, feel it... now, i'm hoping that if i live my life the best i can, and, if there is in fact some sort of 'heaven', i might make it there. but, that is the 'religious' need inside of me hoping... i don't discount the idea of a higher power... i just hope that i'm 'pleasing' in their sight, if they're actually watching.

music has become a big part of my life again. i, for some reason, turned my back on music for a while there, and it was causing no end of suffering. that doesn't mean that i didn't listen to any music, just that it wasn't a part of me like it had been. the problem is that there is so much music that reminds me of so much pain, that it's hard to listen to a song without feeling an overwhelming wash of emotion. it strikes me how often that even a new song, something i've never heard, will remind me of something from years ago. it's strange. but no matter, without music, that pain... those thoughts, all of it was still there. just without music.

what if i never find love again? people keep telling me that it's like looking for anything, as soon as you stop looking, it usually finds you. but, is that the best way? i feel like i have a lot to offer. i might be a jackass sometimes, but i think that i'm a very caring, sweet, loving person, who, for all intents and purposes, wants only the best for the woman in my life, and would do whatever i needed to make sure she got it. however, that doesn't seem like it's enough to a lot of women. i know it seems like i'm stereotyping, but it's true that looks and money are a big deal, even if it's not explicit, and honestly, i don't have a lot of either to really make myself an appealing prospect. the fact that i want to buy you everything, isn't the same as being able to buy you everything. she would get everything of me, however, doesn't that count for something?

i want more than i'm alotted, perhaps.

i've been thinking about a lot of things from my past. things that happened, but most notably, things that didn't. i have actually relived so many things that i've experienced, and how my world might have been... it's amazing some of the tangents that i've gone on. all of this happens when i should probably be sleeping... i wish i could write some of it down... but that would take up a good chunk of my life.

i'm so very tired, and don't think i can write much more than i have.. i give up.

how not to write...

my apologies for the obvious copy and paste... old list, funny shit! ;)

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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year, to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 700 p.m. instead of 730.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

words, nothing more, but so much less.

i sit here, alone. this is nothing new. i want something more, and i can't for the life of me understand that that is that is to say, i know exactly what i want, and i know that i can't have much of it. i want happiness, stability, money, love, friendship, sex, booze, talent and skill, clarity, focus, challenge, simplicity, safety and that feeling that comes from it. i want someone who understands me. i want to understand myself, and i want to feel things again. i'd like the numbness to stop. i want to stop feeling, i want to forego the negative emotions that well up inside me. i wish i could be honest with you. i don't think it's going to work. i've tried, and i'm still trying because i love you. you are wonderful, and everything we've had was good, but in the end, now, i mean, i don't see this happening, not the way you want it to anyway. i want to try, i am trying. but there's a rift i can't get over. it seems like forever ago, but the life lost... it leaves me empty, like something missing. it was the right thing to do, but the fact that you didn't tell me hurts most of all. you couldn't even let me help decide, althoguh now, i still don't know how i'd react. it's been both ways too, you've disappeared just as i have, gave up. maybe we were right the first two (or three times?). but i want it to work, because i love you. i truly do. i'm not going to break this apart. sorry, but if i'm talking to you, you'll have to find where you begin. i hope you never read this, none of you. i can't beleive you took everything. we had something, and really, it might have worked out, but, and i mean this in the nicest way, you are fucking insane. i hope one day you come to terms with that. apart from the obsessive compulsive disorder, and the unhealthy fixation on your mother's death (and i know you lost her too early, but you're a grown woman, how can you possibly not live your own life after so long?), and the incredible emotional strain you want to have so badly, you are just honestly deluded. it's sad to me, because, had i seen it sooner i could have saved us both a lot of hardship. i thank you so much for everything you did for me (and too me..), but did you have to take everything that wasn't nailed down? my jacket for fuck's sake. i hope you're happier now, but i know you aren't, because it's not your nature. thanks for the lessons in life. you know, the worst hurt and the greatest happiness i got from you. the fact that you slept with my best friend doesn't hurt near as much as the fact that our entire relationship was built on your lies. i'm glad we got to make our mistakes with each other, i learned a lot. and what we had, what we got, what was good, i'd never trade it for the world. i see you now, and somehow, i can't see how i didn't see it before. occasionally, you'll say something, do something, and it will trigger a memory that i hold dear. i tried, hard. i'm sorry i never gave you what you wanted, and it seemed like we were almost there. i wish you the best. i think so much about you, and you don't show me any flicker of hope, but hope i do. inside i know that i should just give up, and let things go their course, but for some reason, i can't let it go. do i want something more than you do? you won't tell me, you won't give me a single word on the subject, except that you don't really want to talk about it. i'm fine with everything, but in every way i'm not. and why, why does the heart do this, infatuation that shouldn't be? maybe it should. that's problem, and the best part of these feelings, the unknown, and maybe it's better that way. i love to see you, and when you smile. i love that i can't read a single thing in you... it's like trying to learn a new language without the benefit of a bi-lingual instructor. that probably doesn't make a bit of sense to you. there's something i've been wanting to say to you for a long time. you are a fucking bitch and honestly, you rate on a list, a short list of people that i wish would die. i can't believe the way that you yanked me around for so long. it's my fault, i kept falling into the same traps. you lied so well, and looked so good, and when you wanted to, you made me feel like so much more. i loved you, truly. but, the lies? honestly, did you really think people would believe that i'd ever hit you? even your friends that didn't know me could see that i was in love with you. you left me cresftallen and broken, and i wish only the worst to you. you are heartless and soulless. remember the last time we slept together... the words you said to me as i told you the get out... those words, i wonder if they were true, but if they were, i wish that feeling of hurt and pain was seared into your very heart. you realized to late what you had. i remember seeing you the first time, you were so incredible, standing the way you did, trying so hard not to look like you enjoyed the attention you were getting. how could you not? who doesn't like being the most beautiful person in the place. the music made it so hard to hear you when you asked me to dance... but, the fact that i actually got up with you... that was amazing. almost as amazing as a woman actually coming to me and asking me to dance. that night was amazing, when you asked me to stay... i can't understand how i let you just leave, it's one of those mistakes that i dwell on, even now. it was the best two and a half weeks that i've spent with anyone. i know i couldn't just follow you to washington, but, oh, how i wish i could have. it's probably best we decided not to try and talk again, but you don't know often i think about trying to find your new phone number. but a promise is not made to be broken. there's nothing left to say about how i feel. you are incredible, and i wish i could know you better. but, it doesn't seem like it's meant to happen that way. i'm so sorry i didn't keep talking, i was scared... i'm still scared. it seems like i'm always scared. my feelings seem to be tangled up in fear. it's bitter and painful. if i could, i would love to tell so many people how i feel, how i felt, how much i hurt over the choices i've made. you are a kindred spirit, and i wish we had more time for each other. you amaze me all the time. good luck with the new baby, a father for the second time round... and a girl to boot, one of each, eh? don't be afraid, you'll do just fine... i'm sorry i lead you on, we never should have slept together. ever. i feel ashamed, i gave into weakness. a crush that i'd had for years and years. there's just no way we could work. please forgive me. everyone forgive me. i can't do this anymore, sleep beckons... loudly.

microsoft embraces linux, novell feared pregnant with illigitimate love child...

zdnet article speaks in some sort of strange code and riddles...

microsoft and novell are teaming up to promote each and make their products play nicer together?

i must have missed the weather report... hell froze over?